Love: myself

Just like brain conditioning, I need to tell myself that I love myself, and that I am OK with living with myself.

Sometimes it's hard and sometimes, I wonder if I have really lost it, as I am living in my own idealistic, perfect world, where there is no hurt, no pain and that there is love all around. Oh yeah! I also happen to be in a very stable relationship in that very idealistic world of mine.

Then I wonder if I it is too unhealthy for me, when I do get out from that idealistic world and have to rely on sad love songs to suppress my pain. I can actually become depressive if I indulge myself too much in those sappy sad love songs.

I try to be happy. I put on nice clothes to be happy. I put on nice make-up to be happy, I go out with friends to be happy and I make them think I am happy. Hell! I sometimes make myself believe that I AM happy. But at the end of the day, most of my friends have their siblings to go home with, have their boyfriends to send them home with or have their spouses to go home with.

Me, I go home alone, sometimes I walk to my car alone, I drive on the road alone and like the clown in the circus, I look into the mirror and remove that make-up and wonder, " why did I put all that make-up for?"

It's not as if I can cover the unhappiness, the loneliness and the quiet sadness. It is not as if, with the make-up remover and water, I can wipe and wash away all that sorrow and pain that is kind of stubbornly still embedded somewhere, refusing to be totally cleansed from the body.

No, at that moment, when I look into the mirror, there is this feeling of void. As I do not really know how to feel anymore. I do not know what is love anymore and therefore, the void look. I do not know whether to laugh or cry anymore as I am stuck in the situation of awkwardness. A situation of not knowing whether, it is good to be alone or bad to be alone.

Yes, I think I am slowly realising that solitude is here to stay. It knocks on my door everyday, but I refuse to let it in. By not letting it in, I am also not letting myself in. For it is in letting myself in that I can love myself, such that I can then be with myself.