Sometimes I think I am bitchy

Even though I keep telling myself that I am not, I think I too, can be bitchy, without myself knowing it. Then again, I think that bitchiness is something that people label you with.

You see, this morning I was supposed to meet a friend to go for the H&M opening here in the little red dot. I remember telling her last night that whoever wakes up first should call the other person so that we can all get ready and go and if we cannot make it on time, we then do not need to rush.

My work requires lots of physical activity and the fatigue spills over to my off days. I do not presume and purposely want my friend to know this. But the least I hope my friend could do is to stick to what was agreed upon. I woke up at 9am. We were scheduled to meet 9.30am. She did not call me and so I called her instead. She did not pick up her phone and I presumed that she was sleeping.

Turned out that she was bathing and could not pick up the call and called me at only about 9.15am or 9.20am there about. As I left a comment on my Facebook account, telling my other friend that if I did not manage to get in, that I will go for plan B, which was to go to Kinokuniya @ Bugis Junction, my friend (whom I was supposed to meet) lashed out and commented something like, "Guess who was the one who woke up late?".

After explaining to her that because I did not hear from her after I called her, I had presumed she was still asleep and went back to bed. I was dead tired. Nevertheless, I had already bathed and brushed my teeth. All that was left for me to do was to change and go.

She then replied to my comment implying that it was my fault and that I should not be blaming her (her exact words: "huh? is that my fault?"). I do not know whether it was PMS or whether it was too early in the morning but that comment hurt coz it was like my fault, then? In fact, at that point of time, I did not even remember what we agreed upon but was already starting to blame myself for all the unfortunate turn of events.

To tell you the truth though, even though I was so-called late, I still arrived at Somerset station before my friend. Says a lot doesn't it? I just felt like it was the pot calling the kettle black.

The queue was long and again, there was this air of impatience surrounding my friend. We collected the catalogue, took a bottle of oxygenated water and went off for breakfast. We rejoined the queue once breakfast was done. I felt the urgent need to go to the ladies and so I went. When I came back, my friend told me that her appointment in the evening had moved till mid-afternoon. I suggested we queue till a certain time before giving up and going over to Kinokuniya. She refused and said she would be on her way.

I queued alone but felt more at ease for at least, I don't feel such awkward silences and all those body language that I really did not need on my off day. I was halfway through the queue when she called me and asked where I was. I was pretty near the entrance already by then. She said she would rush back and join me in the queue and it was after hanging up that I saw her message for me to SMS her when I am inside.

That was what I did! I messaged her once I got in and she just reached the Somerset MRT (or outside, I do not know) but she was cursing and swearing over SMS that she had made a wasted trip. Just wondering though, how can it be totally wasted when you ARE headed towards the Yishun direction anyway? The only waste is the extra energy and time needed to walk over to H&M.

I suppose I was bitchy in not messaging her before I got in, but you know, there were lots of security. I do not know if they would have allowed her to just come in like that. Perhaps I was a coward and did not want to be embarrassed or perhaps, I just had enough from her for the day.

I can take a lot of things and not say anything coz I know no matter what I say, there would be some form of cleverer 'retaliation'. I sometimes even think that I bend backwards (or is it forwards?) too much for people but even this, I think I should say with caution, for fear that some other friends might lash out at me and say that THEY are the ones bending backwards for me.

This is not the first time this friend has lashed out at me. She is usually the one who is late and she used to be very late, even during our schooling days. When she is late, we cannot say much. But if WE were the ones that were late, gosh! We would get hell. Why are we still friends? I guess friends are hard to come by and being friends, to me, means to try to accept the good and bad sides of theirs.

I would not be surprised if I was yet again labelled bitchy for writing this post, but I just need to spill it out somewhere so that I can feel better inside.

The lengths we go through

One of my friend will be holding her wedding reception this coming weekend. One of my ex-colleagues ever said that "it shows how important the friend is to the person by seeing what lengths they go through to prepare for it."

Not that I do not see other weddings as important. I think all of them are and I put equally the same amount of effort in preparation for them. This time though, there would be no make-up artist/ hairstylist but still lots have gone into preparing in any case.

I have gone for a proper hair cut and colour Vs my $10 haircut cum home colouring. I am also sussing out a place to do my nails. Going to do french manicure for the first time in my life. I have sort of grown my nails for it. no actually it is because now that I have quit my previous job, I no longer need to be mindful of having short nails all the time. For now, that is.

I thought I had everything ready: the dress, the shoes, the hair, the nails. I have even been practising and trying out different make-up like the colour of eye-shadows, etc. No problem, right? Wrong.

The dress that looked so befitting and elegant for the occasion was unfit for wearing. I grew more meat on my back and could not zip up for the life of me. Mum told me to go get a nice dress for myself. There are very affordable and yet pretty ones on the market nowadays. Woah! My Mum, my fashion consultant. Ha!

Therefore I happily went out to buy myself one thinking it was the most perfect dress for the occasion. I was sooooo wrong. When Mum saw it, she practically yelled her head off and told me that I had bad taste. She did not stop until I went inside my room. Dad was kinder. He said it looked like uniform and stopped at that. Both were not impressed with my buy. Mum even questioned on why I always bought the same colour and yet looked like nurses' uniforms.

Well, part of the reason is because it IS from the same shop! As for the colour, I guess I just like the teal colour which kinda reminds me of the peacocks. Plus this one's texture was satin, a material I thought very appropriate for the occasion.

I was so upset with Mum that I lost sleep over it. Terrible as I do not want dark eye circles on that day. I am known to be stubborn and adamant about my decisions but I guess, I have always wanted to win the approval of my Mum, which is why I was so upset.

In the end, I decided on several things: Ask Mum to accompany me to buy the dress; exchange the dress for another one that I did try the day before; keep the dress and buy another one.

In the end, Mum met me at Bugis and several shops later, we managed to get one. What can I say? Mum knows best? Well, I guess it is also the secret thrill of having her spend some Mother-daughter time with me. As for the teal coloured dress? It is still sitting at home. I have seven, no six days to decide whether I want to exchange or not.

I really love weddings, special occasions and such. I love dressing up for such occasions even more! Hopefully I will look presentable this weekend!

p/s: The first dress I bought had a French name that has a literal meaning of "life in shades of pink". I happen to like most of the stuff that they sell there. Although having a French name, the clothing are all from Japan.

Flower power

I did say that I was not totally idle while looking for my new career direction. Besides helping my friend handle enquiries and registering participants for the terrarium workshops during the Singapore Biennale 2011, I was also helping out her mum, who has a flower stall at one of the markets in Ang Mo Kio Ave 4. Above are some of the pictures I took of the flowers. The box of leaves are those that we plucked from the stems.


Here are the pictures from the Biennale workshops@ Old Kallang Airport:

This market was burnt down by a big fire and took quite a long time to rebuild. Thank goodness now all is well. My friend's father just passed on, her mum was sick one day but still insisted on going to open her stall and in a last minute attempt, asked me to go down to help her.

Therefore I did! What an experience it was! The stall may be just be a simple stall but so much went on that day. I became the jasmine flower/ jasmine chain packer. It was not simply selling flowers for one had to know a little about praying. Some would come and ask for flower petals, some would buy those green lemons (those with crumpled skin). Yet others would ask for pomelo leaves. Those jasmine chains are like necklaces that go around the necks of Hindu and/or Thai Gods.

It might just be a stall but there is a lot of PR going on. Auntie (my friend's mum) has built up a good relationship with her customers over the years and she has lots of regular customers. Most of them who come will wait for her to pack the flowers. They do not even need to tell her. They will tell me that Auntie knows and some will tell me,"You don't know one lah!" LOL.

Was quite shy at first but after a while, got used to the idea of working at the market and began asking customers what they want, do they want jasmine petals to go with their flowers, etc. Due to the fact that the next day was going to be the 15th of the lunar month, it was super busy. When there were no customers, auntie would be busy packing bouquets of flowers as she already knows which regulars would drop by later and what they wanted.

On other days when the store is not officially open, we would be busy packing and 'tidying' up the flowers in preparation to sell them. All these were good training for me for I will also be doing similar stuff in my new job, albeit in an air conditioned environment.

There is lots of camaraderie around the market too. The fruit stall sellers opposite will look out for Auntie's stall and we always have lunch together. Those were happy times. Everyone was every one's friend and the customers were all chummy. Some were very understanding and were more patient while others complained about me giving too little jasmine petals. :P

Well, I think I will still go back there once in awhile to help out, even after I start my new job. It is good to feel grounded like that.

To-Fu Oyako!

http://youtu.be/SG3IEkxp2N8
Recently, I have been hanging out a lot with my kindergarten friend and she is very much into what I would call pop culture stuff. Some of these things do rub off on me, like this TO-FU Oyako character. The toy to me is what a blankie or a soft toy is to a child. Provides me with lots of fun and cheeriness and some sort of calming security.

As much as I try to be all grown up now, I still need the child-like side of me. Time for me to go play-pretend. Hahaha!!

Click on the link to enjoy!

Positivity

Wow! It was one wait after another but I can finally say that the wait is almost over. It is a positive wait this time though for most of the details have been confirmed. With much luck, I will start work soon.

I know I have said that I did not like customer service because of the not-so-nice customers and yet, I feel that my strength is still there. Even though I 'claim' that I am a shy person, but I think it is a bit of an opposites attract kinda logic. During this period when I am not working, I was not totally idle. I did do certain things that helped me (re)build my confidence in meeting people. Guess I will blog about it in my next post.

For now, I am just glad that things are turning out the way it should and that at least, the sense of helplessness of being penniless would be gone soon. Although some (if not most) may say that I am over-qualified for this position, but only I myself will know what is best for me right now. At least, I am making my own dream come true.

It is going to be a new start, a new beginning. I do not know how many new starts I am going to have but I certainly hope that this will be my last. I know, some might be metaphorically throwing rotten eggs at me for things that I have said in the past, about my other career and life choices. But I believe that everyone has their own paths to take and mine, was just a little different from others. I would like to believe that it is because I am special :)

Waiting for the sunshine after the rain/storm

Life is looking better. I have actually been called up for a second interview but it has made me even more nervous. I was nervous before because they told me that I had to wait 2 weeks for my 'results'. If I were shortlisted, I would get a call. If not, I will receive a letter to notify me of my failure to pass that first interview. 2 weeks. It's a long wait.

Now I am nervous because I will be meeting the upper management. I need to remind myself to be myself, but at the same time, I need to run through some thought-out questions over and over in my head. But whatever it is, I know that He is always with me, just like He has been, through all these difficult times. I can truly now say that He really listens.

Things are falling into place and there was something that I volunteered for, which is now also moving on smoothly. I suppose one cannot stay idle for too long. At least I cannot, even though I would like to. I get into a state of panic.

As the old saying goes, when you have the money, you don't have the time, and when you have the time, you don't have the money to do what you have always wanted to do.

Once I get work, I would like to save up for a bicycle. Then I would like to get a hand beater or a cake mixer so that I can bake cakes and such. I can almost see the sun now. Hopefully it will come shine brightly soon!

Lives and deaths

Oh yes, in the midst of finding jobs and cleaning up, something else happened. My very close friend's father passed away. How close were we? We knew each other since kindergarten. That is how close we are.

Despite that though, I seldom got to see her Dad. I only got to see him recently when he gave me a lift home. Gosh! Little did I realise that it would be the last time I would see him alive.

Even though I have only recently gotten back into contact with this friend of mine, but I feel really close to her and her family. Maybe it is because we all speak Cantonese. I went everyday to the wake and accompanied them even, for the "very last journey".

Once again, it hit home that one day, my Dad's turn will come. He was the same age as my friend's Dad and the similarities of their age, just made me that much more sober about the times that I spend with my Dad (and my Mum, of course).

It's like I want to live each day more purposefully and also to be more conscious about interacting with my parents coz when they are six feet under, it would then be too late. Then again, no matter how much we have done, we will always have regrets and I think I also need to prepare myself for that. Sounds serious and more grievous, but it has once again made me realise the fragility and importance of life.

Clean my house, clean my heart

I have taken a very long time to heal myself. I was...on the verge of a breakdown/meltdown and everything else one can imagine, but I think I am slowly recovering.

Well, I don't really like to blog about these stuff coz some friends would think it is all a joke and that I am perfectly fine. Or maybe, deep down they thought that by laughing it off, my problems will go away. Well, even this reaction, I have learned to handle it. It is called coping and managing relationships I guess.

Yes, I may have to revisit the fact that my heart and soul was not completely healed from the time that I got divorced. Not sure whether I blogged about it before but I was walking home one day when a thought suddenly came to me: that my soul was so much in tatters that it was threatening to break (if it were made of glass). That was realisation. It was not full acknowledgement yet.

I suppose, the acknowledgement  came when I decided to resign. I decided to just throw caution to the wind and see where I could go from here. Meanwhile. I wanted a complete rest. A real sort of rest so that I can really stop and collect my thoughts, collect my actions and decide what I want to do from here.

In the first days and even weeks (just one actually) of jobless-ness, I was in self-denial. I was playing cafe world. :P Almost most of the day. Then I watched Clean House on Style Network (came with the new cable TV upgrade that I fought for). There was this strong message that the cleaning of the house, is actually sort of like cleaning of the soul. It was to give the heart a sort of closure.

There were some, who lost their parent(s) and just left the houses the way that the parent left it, messy or not. There are also those who became compulsive buyers because they lost someone dear to them. This was when I decided that I really needed to clean my room and my stuff up. If not to close the chapter of the unhappy marriage (there are some stuff left tucked somewhere), it would be in preparation for a new part of the journey. Well, even this line sounds familiar.

I know, I seem to keep starting over and over again, but I don't think everybody is perfect. I feel that seemingly perfect people are just trying to cover up some of their own imperfections. One of my friends recently agreed that yes, everyone is actually lost. It's just a matter of admitting it or not. I maybe wrong about this weird logic about perfections and imperfections, but I believe, I am entitled to my point of view.

I am still tidying up but I have given away quite a number of clothes and bags and also quite a number of rubbish have been cleared. I think these are symbolic of my own heart. That I am throwing what is not wanted away, so that I can receive the new. Already, my heart feels lighter and things seem to be getting better.

Tomorrow, I will go for a job interview. You can say it is my dream job, for now at least. I don't want to say "ever" because I don't want people saying "you see? you said it was your dream job and now look....".

I  may look fickle up front, but at least I am making an effort. Some would also think that this job is nothing much, but I don't think it is an easy job at all. At least to be professional, I have what it takes to do it. Well, thank goodness that He was there in strange, funny ways, that I am able to sprout all these so-called bravado.

In any case, I hope to get my life back on track and I also hope to blog more often. Soon.

Heal myself before healing the world

Yesterday, one of my friends sms-ed me and asked me how I was and whether I was actually too busy dating.

Well, I think I have passed the stage of thinking about dating. Just want to concentrate on living and surviving for the moment. Luckily for me (and perhaps not so luckily for my friends), I still have some single friends left whom I can hang out with.

In fact, I am helping them at their terrarium stall at the Singapore Biennale at the Old Kallang Airport. This in itself keeps me pretty occupied. Plus, I have started my hatha yoga lessons as well at the Community Club. It is greatly therapeutic. That, combined with my aerobics dance class, is taking up most of my time already.

I really need to learn to channel the right energy to the right places. Actually, while walking home from the town centre one day, I suddenly came upon this realisation as to how brittle my soul was and how I had these many deep set, buried issues that I need to dig out and throw away.


I suppose I need to continue to heal myself in a different way. Even though many of my friends have gotten attached and/or are getting married, I should re-learn to be with myself and just be happy by myself. After all, I used to do that a lot, didn't I?

Hmm....I think I am in that kind of space again. But this time, I am going to face it head on. Puzzled? Don't be, coz I think only I can understand all this gibberish :)

Good day!

Shape up!

OK, I know that is a lousy cliched title, but I really do mean it!

I went to sign up for an aerobics dance class and a hatha yoga class at my community club yesterday. Time that I shaped up. I feel that I cannot go on living life like this anymore. I used to hike a lot but ever since I fell out with my ex-housemate (cum friend), I could not really find any other person who is as accommodating as she is. You see, my legs are not long. When a person is taller than me (which is often the case), their one step is my two steps. I take twice the effort. She and some of my old hiking friends, were the ones who would stop or wait up for me a little. I get a little out of breath too, given my slightly asthmatic condition and so, I was very appreciative.


Since I am going to live a life of celibacy, might as well just get used to the idea of doing things alone. Or, if I do not want to live a life of celibacy and want to attract the opposite sex, then I better start shaping up. Actually, I am now doing this a lot more (90%) for myself as I do not want to be ridden with illness when I grow older.

These two activities only cover two fifths of the average exercise days that I should be having, which is 5 out of the 7. So, I am still trying to look for other activities to fill my evenings and perhaps, weekends.

Thoughts about the Japanese Tsunami

It's been a long time since I blogged. It feels like an eternity. Sometimes, I am so tired, that I do not even turn on my computer. No actually, I am not turning it on for the sake of my health. It is said that using the computer at night will make one too awake to want to go to sleep.

Yes, I have been suffering form insomnia, a little. Not sure whether it is due to the usage of the computer or because of other issues.

The reason why I am blogging now is because something big has stirred up a lot of emotions inside me. I was cooped up in the office all day and had no idea what was going on in the outside world. When taking the train back home, it has now become my habit to whip out my phone and go to facebook to check for updates from friends (another reason why I do not use the computer so much).

It was only then that I realised that there has been an earthquake and tsunami in Japan. News really spread quickly and we do not ONLY rely on tradition media such as the television or the radio to receive information anymore.

At first I was quite nonchalant about it all, thinking that it was all happening in a land faraway from here. But reading the news and receiving messages from friends commenting on the magnitude of the whole incident suddenly made me think that one day, in the not so faraway future, this could actually be happening to us, an island country that is but a dot in the map of the world.

Then I thought about my friend all the way in Europe and about her story on her relative that was connected to the tsunami of the recent years that passed. I suddenly had so much emotions welling up in my chest that I immediately sent a message to say "hello".

Perhaps it could also have been the message that was sent out by L'oreal Paris Singapore on facebook to ask everyone to pray in their own way for the people of Japan. That really touched me as well. At that point of time, after 12 midnight, laying on my bed, I just felt that no matter what hardships and difficulties that I was going through, it all seem to minute to be important. It was less important than the warmth and love I felt from family and friends; less important than the fact that today, I am still alive, while someone else's life had been swept away, perhaps even without them knowing that it would be their last.

No, I have never really felt like this before. Or perhaps, I refused to be too 'involved' when such natural disasters happened. Somehow though, this time it was a little different. Maybe because it felt so real as everyone was talking about it over facebook.

I will keep praying for those who are in Japan now. Just like how I know my proper fire evacuation procedures, the Japanese are well prepared from  their years of practice with their own emergency evacuation exercises. They will find a good way out of this situation right now.

Happy CNY!

Woah! It's been a long time since I blogged. Feeling so lazy and tired of thinking actually.

Anyway, Happy Chinese New Year (CNY) everybody. It has been a long year and now, there is still more to go on for. Some people have their 5-year plans but I tend to not follow conventions. There is a little rebel in me that wants to go against things, you see?

Anyhow, it is somehow time to think about some future directions: my career, my relationships, my life (if and when my parents are no longer around anymore). Sorry, but festivities tend to make me think of such morbid stuff coz the relatives get fewer and fewer and I am forced to see the reality that my parents will not be there for me forever. This also makes me wake up a little and treasure them a lot more.

Well, other than having a happy CNY, the most important thing is to have good health, everyone. This is another area that I want to focus on for this new year. It is tres important as it allows me to do a lot more things more efficiently.