Love, perhaps

Ironically, as I type that I am better, my heart began to sink, deeper and deeper into a pit, a bottomless one. I feel a little like a schizophrenic or someone with bipolar tendencies. Happy at one moment and totally depressed in another. Then again, I may be wrong about the bipolar bit coz apparently they move from high to low without going through the depressive stage.

This is upon the realisation that I may never get to marry another Catholic boy. After going one big round to make myself forget about love life (or lack thereof) and relationships, I am back to it again. After going one big round to make myself come to terms with my own religion, I am now sort of back to square one again.

As I have said time and again, there is no such thing as a divorce when one is a Roman Catholic. There is only annulment (to me, it is just a substitution of word. It means the same thing). I have heard so much about people trying to get annulment etc that I am so worried that I may never get mine. There was this guy in the States who applied to the Pope (or was it just through the Vatican) to get his marriage annulled twice and both times, it got rejected. The whole time too, it was not his fault. His wife was the one who walked out of their marriage.

It is at such times when I like to ask, "Why God? Why make it so difficult? How long are You going to punish me and people like me?"

When I have calmed down though, I know, in full consciousness, that I was the one who made the choice(I am speaking for myself of course. Everyone has their own unique situation), but not without reasons. Reasons that I do not want to reveal...yet and maybe never (to be fair to the other party). Will my reasons be accepted as grounds for annulment in the eyes of the Catholic Church?

No, it is not God's fault that I am in such a messy situation.

Sometimes I have these Ally McBeal moments whereby I am constantly using the spiked whip to whip myself and afterwards mentally ask myself, "What for?" Or that God was the one whipping me for disobeying Him and walking out of my marriage.

Then there are times when I tell myself that I can actually walk away from all this and believe in some other religion. The truth at the moment is that I DON'T want to. I am most comfortable with being a Catholic at the moment except for this little part. Ironical, I know, but I feel most connected with God like that. Maybe that is what they call blind faith and I am OK with it.

Even if I do become a Christian of some other denomination, I still cannot get married in a Catholic Church. Unless the Catholic boy is super open-minded about it, I don't think they will accept this fact of not being able to get married in church. Or at least I have not met any who is willing NOT to get married in church.

I am of course, way ahead of myself. I have not even found that someone special yet and even if I did that special someone is already in sight, it is way, way, too early to even think of starting a relationship, let alone marriage.

Anyway, not so long ago, I did tell most of my friends that, if given a choice, I will not get married again but I will find a partner to be there for me. So what made me change my mind and panic now? Love, perhaps.

p/s: The views about religion is entirely my own. Didn't mean to offend anyone. Therefore please just read without (much) prejudice :) Thanks!