Let it all out, learning to let go

Last night, for the first time after so many years, I bawled over the state of things of my so-called love life. It is zilch and I feel like such a failure and it all stemmed from a simple message.

Not that the message was clear or definite. It is still vague with only a suggestion of what is to become of our 'relationship' (if you can even call it that). The message was sent last weekend but it took me that long to process (and I am still trying to figure it out).

Maybe it is the final acceptance and realisation that it is going nowhere; maybe I finally admitted that I am just not lucky in love; maybe I can see that I am just no good with any sort of relationship (friendship, courtship, whatsoever).

Anyway, life must move on. We are still friends but I must learn to let go. If not, there is only one way to do it and that is to ask him, which I am too much of a coward to do so (thought of autistic child pressing ears shut and shaking head vehemently from left to right when s/he cannot accept something comes to mind). Maybe after my all-important course. Cannot afford to divert my attention now.

The other way is to try and make new friends which I am still convincing myself to teach myself to do so. I have become a sort of recluse, a sort regression seems to have taken place and kind of lost some skills about socialising (just like how an autistic child does not know how to communicate). Sigh, I should stop being so negative and doing comparisons with people with autism. No offense, I think I have said it before, but here again, I feel that I was sometimes born with mild autism but veering on the Asperger syndrome side.

I am still positive as I have other things to think about at the moment. I shall leave so-called love life aside and concentrate instead, on the love for my family and friends.