Mush in the head

There is a storm growing internally within me these days. There is a lot of negativity within me which I need to get rid of.

The insecure part and non-confident part of me is talking to me (a lot) again. I keep asking myself why am I always falling short of expectations. Even when i swim, I can never do a full length of freestyle. I will do about half or three quarters of a pool and then give up by switching back to frog style.

There are also times that I feel that I talk a lot of bull crap and then, fall just short of delivering. At my age, I am beginning to worry if this is going to stay with me forever and if so, then I wish not to live. For I get this feeling that I am spending my whole life trying to catch up with others but always falling short of expectations or when I have barely just reached (imagery) the finishing line and everyone is off again, achieving something greater than me.

I used to tell myself that it is OK, that I want to live longer than other people and would want to take things easy. I am beginning to worry that I have been telling myself a big fat lie all along.

I also feel that this insecurity has to stop and I feel that I should somehow go back to my childhood and find exactly what it is that made me feel this way and undo it.

Well, I suppose only a shrink will be able to do that. He/she would probably hypnotise me and then ask me to do some silly such stuff and 'undo' the bad stuff that I feel about myself. While he/she is at it, I would also him/her to see what it was in my childhood that made me such an undisciplined person that I am today.

I used to think that I was carefree. Now I feel that it's coz I am really lazy. I used to think that I wanted to be unique, to stand out from the crowd and not follow what everyone else is doing. Now, I don't know... .

Sounds like a whole plethora of junk in my head? Well, that is exactly how I feel right now. Despite though, let me tell you, I still want to have a little bit of sunshine. For sunshine to me, represents hope. If I am void of even hope, then there really won't be a point in continuing life's journey anymore.

Sigh...then again, all these junk could be PMS.