The higher one's ancticipation, the greater one's disappointment

It's so funny that I have this same crush on this same guy for donkey years, even though I have told myself to stop it.

Anyhow, I am too much of a coward to tell him in the face that I like him or that I want to do him. Hahahahaha!!!

It's funny that I also started getting really excited when we were supposed to meet tonight. What I thought was going to be an interesting and exciting night, turned out to be a night that I did not really want to be there for. He was telling me about his so-called relationships, treating me like his pal, his confidante. Sigh... . My happiness plummeted to the doldrums. It was almost painful, except that I do not really feel anymore pain as it has become numb (my feelings, that is).

He had promised to spend the whole weekend (as if!) with me and it did sound like it would be a long night out chatting, watching movies and such when we spoke last, but it was not like that. The evening ended rather abruptly and quite early, so much so that I was starting to get depressed. Shoots! He was the one who was depressed! I guess it rubbed off me.

Haha...he asked me whether I was headed for home and I told him point blank that I was going to HMV at 313@Somerset. You could see the surprise on his face. He asked me what I was going to do there. I just told him that I would window shop. That's what I do when I am depressed (more surprised look on his face and of course, I did not actually tell him I feel depressed).

Well, I did end up at HMV but NOT before going into Forever 21 to try some clothes. Depression is a dangerous thing; it makes you want to spend. A lot. If not for my limited resources, I would have gone bongkus buying loads and tonnes already.

HMV seems to set the mood for singles who have nowhere to go. There were a few single persons (usually men) roaming around, looking at C.D.s, but I suspect, their attention is more towards the lady customers in the house. One man in particular, was going around in circles with me. If not for the fact that he did not cover his mouth while coughing, I might even have befriended him. Haha! Funny.

The CD that I finally chose was Mika's Second album, The boy who knew too much. I had already bought his first album for I loved his songs like Grace Kelly and Big Girls (you are beautiful). I had stopped listening to it for awhile as I thought his second album was not to my liking. This time around though, it sounded pleasing to my ear. Hehe...guess I am a little fickle.

The journey back home by MRT was a short one, but it really did feel exceptionally lonely. I was just taking in all that loneliness and absorbing it all. It was kind of nice; kind of bittersweet; kind of beautifully sad. I chose to walk home using the route that I would not normally choose: the more dangerous path I call it, but actually not. During the day, many people use that path to get to the industrial area near my place. Even at night, there are still a few work-laters who use that route. I have grown to love it. It is where I get the frogs' symphony on a rainy day :)

Tonight, I did not care and I finally remembered to slow my steps down. Nowadays, without a car, I seem to rush from place to place as my legs never seem to be long enough. Ever. I paced myself a little and was in a contemplating mode. Except, I was contemplating nothing in particular. I was just in that funny space of melancholy. The air felt like a sad state too. Maybe I am too piteous upon myself but sometimes, once in awhile, it actually feels good to feel like that. Why should one suppress how one feels?

Life goes on. I am still in search of my toy boy, as advised by some of my friends (especially when I go to Europe). This in itself, has become a big joke to me! Then again, who knows?

p/s: When I say depressed, it is more a figure of speech sort of thing. Not that I really feel so at the moment. If the so-called depression becomes so bad that I need medical attention (which is like, never), I will let you, my readers know.