Rojak feelings

My court date has been fixed (I will not tell you when now as I am a little 'pantang' i.e. superstitious. You will know when I blog about it).

I am having all these mixed feelings about it and it did not help that one of my colleagues told me that given time, sometimes, someone can change for the better. I can see where she is coming from as she is also Christian and would rather a couple stayed together. She was trying to help me think whether there was a possibility of me and him getting back together.

It feels really strange to me. As in, why all these 'interventions' and 'signs' when I have already made up my mind and he has already made up his? Is this God's way of telling me to stay? I certainly hope not.

Then of course, I had to be such a nosey-parker as to go check up his friends on facebook. There, I see this mutual friend of ours that I had liked and things did not work out. It brought back funny feelings. Feelings that I have not felt for the longest time, for there in his profile photo, was him and a girl. These were feelings that I thought would have been long thrown down the drain but it was all threatening to well up again.

I took a walk around my estate. I had to. I had to get some fresh air and breathe. All the time, I was praying that I would get out of all this (divorce) 'alive' and that somebody would be waiting at the other end with open arms, ready to catch me and hold me. Fat hope, of course. But sometimes, it is good to dream and hope a little. Or maybe, I dream too much.