Clean my house, clean my heart

I have taken a very long time to heal myself. I was...on the verge of a breakdown/meltdown and everything else one can imagine, but I think I am slowly recovering.

Well, I don't really like to blog about these stuff coz some friends would think it is all a joke and that I am perfectly fine. Or maybe, deep down they thought that by laughing it off, my problems will go away. Well, even this reaction, I have learned to handle it. It is called coping and managing relationships I guess.

Yes, I may have to revisit the fact that my heart and soul was not completely healed from the time that I got divorced. Not sure whether I blogged about it before but I was walking home one day when a thought suddenly came to me: that my soul was so much in tatters that it was threatening to break (if it were made of glass). That was realisation. It was not full acknowledgement yet.

I suppose, the acknowledgement  came when I decided to resign. I decided to just throw caution to the wind and see where I could go from here. Meanwhile. I wanted a complete rest. A real sort of rest so that I can really stop and collect my thoughts, collect my actions and decide what I want to do from here.

In the first days and even weeks (just one actually) of jobless-ness, I was in self-denial. I was playing cafe world. :P Almost most of the day. Then I watched Clean House on Style Network (came with the new cable TV upgrade that I fought for). There was this strong message that the cleaning of the house, is actually sort of like cleaning of the soul. It was to give the heart a sort of closure.

There were some, who lost their parent(s) and just left the houses the way that the parent left it, messy or not. There are also those who became compulsive buyers because they lost someone dear to them. This was when I decided that I really needed to clean my room and my stuff up. If not to close the chapter of the unhappy marriage (there are some stuff left tucked somewhere), it would be in preparation for a new part of the journey. Well, even this line sounds familiar.

I know, I seem to keep starting over and over again, but I don't think everybody is perfect. I feel that seemingly perfect people are just trying to cover up some of their own imperfections. One of my friends recently agreed that yes, everyone is actually lost. It's just a matter of admitting it or not. I maybe wrong about this weird logic about perfections and imperfections, but I believe, I am entitled to my point of view.

I am still tidying up but I have given away quite a number of clothes and bags and also quite a number of rubbish have been cleared. I think these are symbolic of my own heart. That I am throwing what is not wanted away, so that I can receive the new. Already, my heart feels lighter and things seem to be getting better.

Tomorrow, I will go for a job interview. You can say it is my dream job, for now at least. I don't want to say "ever" because I don't want people saying "you see? you said it was your dream job and now look....".

I  may look fickle up front, but at least I am making an effort. Some would also think that this job is nothing much, but I don't think it is an easy job at all. At least to be professional, I have what it takes to do it. Well, thank goodness that He was there in strange, funny ways, that I am able to sprout all these so-called bravado.

In any case, I hope to get my life back on track and I also hope to blog more often. Soon.