I will try not to go to bed on an empty stomache if I can help it. Told you that I went out to have dinner with friends last night right? Well...I was not very full. At the point of time when I have just finished my meal, I was though but I knew I ate a little less than normal. Nevertheless, I thought I should do it for the sake of becoming slimmer.
I was also left a little unsatisfied that day as we were supposed to go for karaoke from 11am to 6pm. It was then cancelled as we had too few people singing. The question of singing popped up again during dinner as we did have quite enough people, but some of them were leaving early and we were back to square one. No K.
When I reached home, I was SOoooo tempted to reach for that packet of Myojo Char Mee. I stopped myself from doing it. Went to bed.
Bad idea. I had two bad dreams intertwined into one. First, I dreamt that I was singing in a KTV room with friends/colleagues, but somehow, I never got my turn. Then this KTV room was real weird as it was a bit badminton hall like. There were only seats on the side and there was no shelter in the middle (don't ask me why). Halfway through singing, it even started to rain!
There was a big 'ze char' place (cheaper version of restaurant food) and yet, I was not allowed to go outside and eat! When I passed it earlier to go into the KTV room, I saw all that crab and food that was being served up and I was totally salivating!!!!
I must have been so hungry that the desire to eat had been translated into a dream. Hahahahaha.............!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday, June 29, 2008
When did we become like strangers
My housemate cum long time school mate and friend is now happily married. As with all new beginnings, there must be an end. Sort of.
I had dinner with her, her spouse (who is also my friend) her sis (who is also now my friend) and another friend. We are still close, we are still alright, but I must say that some things are just not the same anymore. In my own language, she has crossed over. Although she is nice enough to not make it obvious, her priorities have shifted and our dynamics area little different.
I was there before. I crossed over the earliest. It was a lonely place and my friends did not make it much easier by playing the exclusivity game: "You are married now, you can't this, you can't that...it is not suitable for you..."
The least I can do for her now is to NOT make her feel like that. We are humans even after marriage OK? Who said that once you are married that you cannot go movies with girlfriends after you are married? Who said you cannot club once yo have a baby? I think as long as you ensure that somebody is looking after your baby and that you do not do it too often, it is fine to have fun!
I am happy for her, as long as she is happy, but I must also know when to take my bow and take a back seat. It is time, for some me-time.
I had dinner with her, her spouse (who is also my friend) her sis (who is also now my friend) and another friend. We are still close, we are still alright, but I must say that some things are just not the same anymore. In my own language, she has crossed over. Although she is nice enough to not make it obvious, her priorities have shifted and our dynamics area little different.
I was there before. I crossed over the earliest. It was a lonely place and my friends did not make it much easier by playing the exclusivity game: "You are married now, you can't this, you can't that...it is not suitable for you..."
The least I can do for her now is to NOT make her feel like that. We are humans even after marriage OK? Who said that once you are married that you cannot go movies with girlfriends after you are married? Who said you cannot club once yo have a baby? I think as long as you ensure that somebody is looking after your baby and that you do not do it too often, it is fine to have fun!
I am happy for her, as long as she is happy, but I must also know when to take my bow and take a back seat. It is time, for some me-time.
Love: myself
Just like brain conditioning, I need to tell myself that I love myself, and that I am OK with living with myself.
Sometimes it's hard and sometimes, I wonder if I have really lost it, as I am living in my own idealistic, perfect world, where there is no hurt, no pain and that there is love all around. Oh yeah! I also happen to be in a very stable relationship in that very idealistic world of mine.
Then I wonder if I it is too unhealthy for me, when I do get out from that idealistic world and have to rely on sad love songs to suppress my pain. I can actually become depressive if I indulge myself too much in those sappy sad love songs.
I try to be happy. I put on nice clothes to be happy. I put on nice make-up to be happy, I go out with friends to be happy and I make them think I am happy. Hell! I sometimes make myself believe that I AM happy. But at the end of the day, most of my friends have their siblings to go home with, have their boyfriends to send them home with or have their spouses to go home with.
Me, I go home alone, sometimes I walk to my car alone, I drive on the road alone and like the clown in the circus, I look into the mirror and remove that make-up and wonder, " why did I put all that make-up for?"
It's not as if I can cover the unhappiness, the loneliness and the quiet sadness. It is not as if, with the make-up remover and water, I can wipe and wash away all that sorrow and pain that is kind of stubbornly still embedded somewhere, refusing to be totally cleansed from the body.
No, at that moment, when I look into the mirror, there is this feeling of void. As I do not really know how to feel anymore. I do not know what is love anymore and therefore, the void look. I do not know whether to laugh or cry anymore as I am stuck in the situation of awkwardness. A situation of not knowing whether, it is good to be alone or bad to be alone.
Yes, I think I am slowly realising that solitude is here to stay. It knocks on my door everyday, but I refuse to let it in. By not letting it in, I am also not letting myself in. For it is in letting myself in that I can love myself, such that I can then be with myself.
Sometimes it's hard and sometimes, I wonder if I have really lost it, as I am living in my own idealistic, perfect world, where there is no hurt, no pain and that there is love all around. Oh yeah! I also happen to be in a very stable relationship in that very idealistic world of mine.
Then I wonder if I it is too unhealthy for me, when I do get out from that idealistic world and have to rely on sad love songs to suppress my pain. I can actually become depressive if I indulge myself too much in those sappy sad love songs.
I try to be happy. I put on nice clothes to be happy. I put on nice make-up to be happy, I go out with friends to be happy and I make them think I am happy. Hell! I sometimes make myself believe that I AM happy. But at the end of the day, most of my friends have their siblings to go home with, have their boyfriends to send them home with or have their spouses to go home with.
Me, I go home alone, sometimes I walk to my car alone, I drive on the road alone and like the clown in the circus, I look into the mirror and remove that make-up and wonder, " why did I put all that make-up for?"
It's not as if I can cover the unhappiness, the loneliness and the quiet sadness. It is not as if, with the make-up remover and water, I can wipe and wash away all that sorrow and pain that is kind of stubbornly still embedded somewhere, refusing to be totally cleansed from the body.
No, at that moment, when I look into the mirror, there is this feeling of void. As I do not really know how to feel anymore. I do not know what is love anymore and therefore, the void look. I do not know whether to laugh or cry anymore as I am stuck in the situation of awkwardness. A situation of not knowing whether, it is good to be alone or bad to be alone.
Yes, I think I am slowly realising that solitude is here to stay. It knocks on my door everyday, but I refuse to let it in. By not letting it in, I am also not letting myself in. For it is in letting myself in that I can love myself, such that I can then be with myself.
BANG!
I have been driving a lot lately. This is because I can't seem to wake up in time to catch the bus to work. I will need to adjust my sleeping time again.
The thing is, after my incident with another vehicle, I have been imagining how my car would feel if it were flying off the road or if I were to bang into another vehicle head on. There was even one night when I dreamt that I banged, head on, onto a little girl standing right in front of my car.
I hope this will never happen.
Was is my mind telling me? What do all these dreams and thoughts mean? I don't really know. All I know is that right now, I need lots of positiv to keep myself alive.
The thing is, after my incident with another vehicle, I have been imagining how my car would feel if it were flying off the road or if I were to bang into another vehicle head on. There was even one night when I dreamt that I banged, head on, onto a little girl standing right in front of my car.
I hope this will never happen.
Was is my mind telling me? What do all these dreams and thoughts mean? I don't really know. All I know is that right now, I need lots of positiv to keep myself alive.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Allergy agony
Well, I guess the day has finally come whereby I am allergic to something. I think this is because I have been eating too much medicine.
Had an ENT (ear, nose, throat) infection again and the doctor behind my house, gave me the same old medicine of enhancine. It is an antibiotic and I have taken it before. Previously, there would be tell-tale sign of red patches, which I suspected to be rashes but brushed it off, as my then supervisor told me that if there was an allergy to medicine, it is usually an outbreak.
I mean, the medicine label itself did say to stop if rashes appear. Two nights ago, I developed rashes on my cleavage! Of all places!!! It is one of the most uncomfortable places and one of the places that I DO NOT want any rashes. I want to show it off. Not hide it! Plus, it being a squashed up area does not help as it aggravates the situation (no ventilation = more itchiness = more scratches..and the cycle begins again).
Then I found that both my upper arms started to show tell-tale signs too. Last night was sleeping hell as I attempted not to think of the itch and not to scratch it. It was futile. I had to go back to my good old GP who gave me medication to stop all that itch and the rash.
She did warn me that one of them was drowsy medicine. Alas! I underestimated the power of the medicine for I was like a total zombie for the whole of today.
Had an ENT (ear, nose, throat) infection again and the doctor behind my house, gave me the same old medicine of enhancine. It is an antibiotic and I have taken it before. Previously, there would be tell-tale sign of red patches, which I suspected to be rashes but brushed it off, as my then supervisor told me that if there was an allergy to medicine, it is usually an outbreak.
I mean, the medicine label itself did say to stop if rashes appear. Two nights ago, I developed rashes on my cleavage! Of all places!!! It is one of the most uncomfortable places and one of the places that I DO NOT want any rashes. I want to show it off. Not hide it! Plus, it being a squashed up area does not help as it aggravates the situation (no ventilation = more itchiness = more scratches..and the cycle begins again).
Then I found that both my upper arms started to show tell-tale signs too. Last night was sleeping hell as I attempted not to think of the itch and not to scratch it. It was futile. I had to go back to my good old GP who gave me medication to stop all that itch and the rash.
She did warn me that one of them was drowsy medicine. Alas! I underestimated the power of the medicine for I was like a total zombie for the whole of today.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Opera by the Park
Almost forgot to blog about this: Went to the Opera by the Park session at the Botanical Gardens last Saturday. It was lovely! Me and two other girlfriends went. One of them was still at work and so I met up with the other to get our picnic stuff ready.
Bought mortadella paprika ham and black pepper beef pastrami for meat and emmental cheese that suited everyone's taste. A punnet of cherry tomatoes, two bottles of water and a can of ASAHI rounded up the day's menu for dinner. Oh! Not forgetting the all-important baguette.
I was a little worried about having to 'reserve' grass patches since there will be many people attending. My worry was unfounded because there was so much land in this big garden. What I had forgotten is how small their car park can be. We almost did not get a parking space and by the time we parked, the show was one quarter gone.
Nevertheless, we went on about our own business, spreading our picnic mat and food and eating away while waiting for the other friend to arrive. She too, got stuck in the parking traffic. By the time she came, the concert was over. But we happily offered to sing for her (no really, just joking).
We did not leave till the moon was hung up high and we fed a stray cat that happened to pass by. Having not chatted enough, we even proceeded for desserts and when we parted, we promised to meet again for more good food and good times.
Ah....! That is life. Simple and yet, delightful all at once.
Bought mortadella paprika ham and black pepper beef pastrami for meat and emmental cheese that suited everyone's taste. A punnet of cherry tomatoes, two bottles of water and a can of ASAHI rounded up the day's menu for dinner. Oh! Not forgetting the all-important baguette.
I was a little worried about having to 'reserve' grass patches since there will be many people attending. My worry was unfounded because there was so much land in this big garden. What I had forgotten is how small their car park can be. We almost did not get a parking space and by the time we parked, the show was one quarter gone.
Nevertheless, we went on about our own business, spreading our picnic mat and food and eating away while waiting for the other friend to arrive. She too, got stuck in the parking traffic. By the time she came, the concert was over. But we happily offered to sing for her (no really, just joking).
We did not leave till the moon was hung up high and we fed a stray cat that happened to pass by. Having not chatted enough, we even proceeded for desserts and when we parted, we promised to meet again for more good food and good times.
Ah....! That is life. Simple and yet, delightful all at once.
Tres heureuse (or very happy in French)
If you are wondering whether I am dead or alive, this is prove that I am still breathing.
Just that the past week has been a steep learning curve for me at my new place and even though it is a half day affair, the other half is spent lying flat on the bed like a dead fish. Yes, this present job zaps up lots of my energy but I am beginning to get used to it. Just wondering what will happen when I do start school and have to juggle several things at one go.
This past week was also a week that I did something that I had not done for a very long time: buy a present. It was a little ironical as I used to find buying presents a chore; something that I dreaded to do year in, year out. Perhaps that was because I had no idea what to get. This present however, was specifically told to me by the recipient. That really helped me a lot. Only thing left for me to do is to narrow down to the brand and the designs.
After buying the present, there was the strange excitement of choosing the right wrapping paper, the right type of birthday card and such. There was excitement in the air around me, if you catch my drift. I was feeling all bubbly and giggly all at once, as if I was back in Secondary school or something.
I have not felt like that for a very long time. Mental note to self: buy more presents in the future. No, not only that, it had to be sincere. It had to come from the heart.
The excitement and slight anxiety continued all the way home when I had a little bit of trouble wrapping the gift. You see, I am not a fantastic craft maker. Any such previous attempts at crafts of any kind were fluke shots that happened to look OK. Ha!
Barely managed with the wrapping and had to draft out what to write in the card before actually penning it down. There was a sense of self satisfaction once all that was done.
The results were super satisfactory. Recipient was tres happy with the present, tres happy with the card and tres happy with the wrapping paper (did not say about the wrapping though...hehehe...). I was happy that recipient was happy.
Just that the past week has been a steep learning curve for me at my new place and even though it is a half day affair, the other half is spent lying flat on the bed like a dead fish. Yes, this present job zaps up lots of my energy but I am beginning to get used to it. Just wondering what will happen when I do start school and have to juggle several things at one go.
This past week was also a week that I did something that I had not done for a very long time: buy a present. It was a little ironical as I used to find buying presents a chore; something that I dreaded to do year in, year out. Perhaps that was because I had no idea what to get. This present however, was specifically told to me by the recipient. That really helped me a lot. Only thing left for me to do is to narrow down to the brand and the designs.
After buying the present, there was the strange excitement of choosing the right wrapping paper, the right type of birthday card and such. There was excitement in the air around me, if you catch my drift. I was feeling all bubbly and giggly all at once, as if I was back in Secondary school or something.
I have not felt like that for a very long time. Mental note to self: buy more presents in the future. No, not only that, it had to be sincere. It had to come from the heart.
The excitement and slight anxiety continued all the way home when I had a little bit of trouble wrapping the gift. You see, I am not a fantastic craft maker. Any such previous attempts at crafts of any kind were fluke shots that happened to look OK. Ha!
Barely managed with the wrapping and had to draft out what to write in the card before actually penning it down. There was a sense of self satisfaction once all that was done.
The results were super satisfactory. Recipient was tres happy with the present, tres happy with the card and tres happy with the wrapping paper (did not say about the wrapping though...hehehe...). I was happy that recipient was happy.
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