I have taken a very long time to heal myself. I was...on the verge of a breakdown/meltdown and everything else one can imagine, but I think I am slowly recovering.
Well, I don't really like to blog about these stuff coz some friends would think it is all a joke and that I am perfectly fine. Or maybe, deep down they thought that by laughing it off, my problems will go away. Well, even this reaction, I have learned to handle it. It is called coping and managing relationships I guess.
Yes, I may have to revisit the fact that my heart and soul was not completely healed from the time that I got divorced. Not sure whether I blogged about it before but I was walking home one day when a thought suddenly came to me: that my soul was so much in tatters that it was threatening to break (if it were made of glass). That was realisation. It was not full acknowledgement yet.
I suppose, the acknowledgement came when I decided to resign. I decided to just throw caution to the wind and see where I could go from here. Meanwhile. I wanted a complete rest. A real sort of rest so that I can really stop and collect my thoughts, collect my actions and decide what I want to do from here.
In the first days and even weeks (just one actually) of jobless-ness, I was in self-denial. I was playing cafe world. :P Almost most of the day. Then I watched Clean House on Style Network (came with the new cable TV upgrade that I fought for). There was this strong message that the cleaning of the house, is actually sort of like cleaning of the soul. It was to give the heart a sort of closure.
There were some, who lost their parent(s) and just left the houses the way that the parent left it, messy or not. There are also those who became compulsive buyers because they lost someone dear to them. This was when I decided that I really needed to clean my room and my stuff up. If not to close the chapter of the unhappy marriage (there are some stuff left tucked somewhere), it would be in preparation for a new part of the journey. Well, even this line sounds familiar.
I know, I seem to keep starting over and over again, but I don't think everybody is perfect. I feel that seemingly perfect people are just trying to cover up some of their own imperfections. One of my friends recently agreed that yes, everyone is actually lost. It's just a matter of admitting it or not. I maybe wrong about this weird logic about perfections and imperfections, but I believe, I am entitled to my point of view.
I am still tidying up but I have given away quite a number of clothes and bags and also quite a number of rubbish have been cleared. I think these are symbolic of my own heart. That I am throwing what is not wanted away, so that I can receive the new. Already, my heart feels lighter and things seem to be getting better.
Tomorrow, I will go for a job interview. You can say it is my dream job, for now at least. I don't want to say "ever" because I don't want people saying "you see? you said it was your dream job and now look....".
I may look fickle up front, but at least I am making an effort. Some would also think that this job is nothing much, but I don't think it is an easy job at all. At least to be professional, I have what it takes to do it. Well, thank goodness that He was there in strange, funny ways, that I am able to sprout all these so-called bravado.
In any case, I hope to get my life back on track and I also hope to blog more often. Soon.
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Shape up!
OK, I know that is a lousy cliched title, but I really do mean it!
I went to sign up for an aerobics dance class and a hatha yoga class at my community club yesterday. Time that I shaped up. I feel that I cannot go on living life like this anymore. I used to hike a lot but ever since I fell out with my ex-housemate (cum friend), I could not really find any other person who is as accommodating as she is. You see, my legs are not long. When a person is taller than me (which is often the case), their one step is my two steps. I take twice the effort. She and some of my old hiking friends, were the ones who would stop or wait up for me a little. I get a little out of breath too, given my slightly asthmatic condition and so, I was very appreciative.
Since I am going to live a life of celibacy, might as well just get used to the idea of doing things alone. Or, if I do not want to live a life of celibacy and want to attract the opposite sex, then I better start shaping up. Actually, I am now doing this a lot more (90%) for myself as I do not want to be ridden with illness when I grow older.
These two activities only cover two fifths of the average exercise days that I should be having, which is 5 out of the 7. So, I am still trying to look for other activities to fill my evenings and perhaps, weekends.
I went to sign up for an aerobics dance class and a hatha yoga class at my community club yesterday. Time that I shaped up. I feel that I cannot go on living life like this anymore. I used to hike a lot but ever since I fell out with my ex-housemate (cum friend), I could not really find any other person who is as accommodating as she is. You see, my legs are not long. When a person is taller than me (which is often the case), their one step is my two steps. I take twice the effort. She and some of my old hiking friends, were the ones who would stop or wait up for me a little. I get a little out of breath too, given my slightly asthmatic condition and so, I was very appreciative.
Since I am going to live a life of celibacy, might as well just get used to the idea of doing things alone. Or, if I do not want to live a life of celibacy and want to attract the opposite sex, then I better start shaping up. Actually, I am now doing this a lot more (90%) for myself as I do not want to be ridden with illness when I grow older.
These two activities only cover two fifths of the average exercise days that I should be having, which is 5 out of the 7. So, I am still trying to look for other activities to fill my evenings and perhaps, weekends.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
From a spiritual point of view
Sometimes, when I feel that I am at a very low point in my life, God appears before me through His words and the little things that happen around me.
I was still very upset about yesterday and was feeling really low. It is the first time our friendship was put to the test like that and I was still hurt by what my friend had said. I prayed about it all the way while walking to church and it turned out that today's readings and sermon was about forgiveness. Father John told us that we had to "learn to forgive". How apt. How simple and yet how deep. It is not an easy thing to do, forgiveness. But yet, when we do it, it is "to celebrate freedom". I felt a big stone being lifted as I hear all this.
Moreover, there were lots unexplainable things that made me reflect a lot today. Perhaps that is why it is called "Reflection" on the church bulletin. The first line read:" People hurt us by their actions and we react by deciding to hurt them in return." Kinda made me think about my ex-housemate and friend that I fell out with. I did not do anything to hurt her in return and, from my point of view, I did really do anything to hurt her in the first place. Knowing her though, she would have, by now, painted a bad picture of me (to herself and other people) so that she can justify why our friendship turned sour. I may be wrong though, I may be wrong.
God is trying to tell me something; He is perhaps telling me to move on with life. This I should do. Plus as I was praying to Him, I drew parallelism to the fact that Jesus was always going against the flow and having to fend for Himself. I was somewhat like that yesterday. I was (metaphorically) cornered and I was not given a choice to even explain myself. My views and words were all pushed aside. It was horrible. Jesus must have felt very helpless too, when He could not save Himself from inevitable death at that time.
I am still reflecting and these reflections are purely my own thoughts. I guess what I wanted to say is that "God is so good to me. He gives me comfort when I most needed it".
I was still very upset about yesterday and was feeling really low. It is the first time our friendship was put to the test like that and I was still hurt by what my friend had said. I prayed about it all the way while walking to church and it turned out that today's readings and sermon was about forgiveness. Father John told us that we had to "learn to forgive". How apt. How simple and yet how deep. It is not an easy thing to do, forgiveness. But yet, when we do it, it is "to celebrate freedom". I felt a big stone being lifted as I hear all this.
Moreover, there were lots unexplainable things that made me reflect a lot today. Perhaps that is why it is called "Reflection" on the church bulletin. The first line read:" People hurt us by their actions and we react by deciding to hurt them in return." Kinda made me think about my ex-housemate and friend that I fell out with. I did not do anything to hurt her in return and, from my point of view, I did really do anything to hurt her in the first place. Knowing her though, she would have, by now, painted a bad picture of me (to herself and other people) so that she can justify why our friendship turned sour. I may be wrong though, I may be wrong.
God is trying to tell me something; He is perhaps telling me to move on with life. This I should do. Plus as I was praying to Him, I drew parallelism to the fact that Jesus was always going against the flow and having to fend for Himself. I was somewhat like that yesterday. I was (metaphorically) cornered and I was not given a choice to even explain myself. My views and words were all pushed aside. It was horrible. Jesus must have felt very helpless too, when He could not save Himself from inevitable death at that time.
I am still reflecting and these reflections are purely my own thoughts. I guess what I wanted to say is that "God is so good to me. He gives me comfort when I most needed it".
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Weird day
I had quite a weird day today. It started good. The friend and I went to eat at this Thai place that we both liked and we went to my God Bro's exhibition. We went around aimlesslessly and museum hopped a little (except that we did not go in coz we had to pay). We even went to visit a Catholic Church and I explained to the friend about the rosary.
Then we went to have coffee at this coffee shop and I said something wrong and the friend got very upset. The friend 'cornered' me (in a metaphorical manner) and the friend raised voice at me and I was so upset I cried. I wanted to up and go for I felt that the friend was being unreasonable and did not allow me to have my say. The friend also said some hurtful but somewhat true things.
You know, I hate this. I think in life, everybody's purpose is to make other people believe in their own views and make others agree with them while making them ditching their own. Sometimes, I find it such a struggle to get heard. Or maybe, I did get heard. Just that I am not hearing.
Plus I feel that my whole life is a whole life full of explanations to others on why I am imperfect and why I am wrong. I feel that everyone in this world is insecure. The way that they cover up their insecurity is to 'win' others, do better than others, seem to do more than others and to 'force' their own views upon others. The more they do this, the more insecure they are. Maybe I am generalising. Maybe I am not.
Such is the world I see. Such is what I have derived upon after our ARGUMENT. Our first. I cannot believe that I sat there and accepted all that nonsense, but I did.
Actually, I have long had the idea about "insecurity" but today, I was so cornered and felt so belittled (in my own way, you can call it self-pity if you want) that I had to pen it down. I am a mess inside now. The friend has opened a can of worms. The friend has forced me to look inside myself and made me feel very lousy. It is not entirely my friend's fault though for I have stereotyped the friend and thus the anger that arose.
We both apologised and I managed to humanely sit down and talk through the whole issue all over in a slightly calm manner. I came home, with my insides still all mangled up, as if I have met with a very bad accident. I think you can see from my erratic writing and thoughts.
I would need time to lick my egoistical wounds, I suppose. Writing this down helps.
Then we went to have coffee at this coffee shop and I said something wrong and the friend got very upset. The friend 'cornered' me (in a metaphorical manner) and the friend raised voice at me and I was so upset I cried. I wanted to up and go for I felt that the friend was being unreasonable and did not allow me to have my say. The friend also said some hurtful but somewhat true things.
You know, I hate this. I think in life, everybody's purpose is to make other people believe in their own views and make others agree with them while making them ditching their own. Sometimes, I find it such a struggle to get heard. Or maybe, I did get heard. Just that I am not hearing.
Plus I feel that my whole life is a whole life full of explanations to others on why I am imperfect and why I am wrong. I feel that everyone in this world is insecure. The way that they cover up their insecurity is to 'win' others, do better than others, seem to do more than others and to 'force' their own views upon others. The more they do this, the more insecure they are. Maybe I am generalising. Maybe I am not.
Such is the world I see. Such is what I have derived upon after our ARGUMENT. Our first. I cannot believe that I sat there and accepted all that nonsense, but I did.
Actually, I have long had the idea about "insecurity" but today, I was so cornered and felt so belittled (in my own way, you can call it self-pity if you want) that I had to pen it down. I am a mess inside now. The friend has opened a can of worms. The friend has forced me to look inside myself and made me feel very lousy. It is not entirely my friend's fault though for I have stereotyped the friend and thus the anger that arose.
We both apologised and I managed to humanely sit down and talk through the whole issue all over in a slightly calm manner. I came home, with my insides still all mangled up, as if I have met with a very bad accident. I think you can see from my erratic writing and thoughts.
I would need time to lick my egoistical wounds, I suppose. Writing this down helps.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Box it up
Usually, one sms, one call from the friend, I would put everything down and join the friend in whatever the friend has suggested we do. Today, I am tired. Physically and mentally tired.
The friend had asked to meet for lunch, but I actually turned the friend down. I woke up real early today to get to work by 7am and I needed to come home to take my cough medicine. You see, I was supposed to be on M.C for the last two days but I really did not care to stay home. There was a lack of staff and if I did take anymore M.Cs, I would be inviting unwanted gossip.
Was feeling a little down after that, not quite sure whether it was the medicine or my own feelings. Anyway, I just feel that I am slowly mentally sifting out the emotional lovey-dovey parts from the friendship parts and putting the former into a box to be stored away in one part of my memory forever. Until such a time that I need it, then I will bring it out again, on condition that it will not be painful to myself.
I am on my way to closure. I can almost hear the sad violin playing in the background, but I refuse to be sad and I refuse to mope. I will walk with a smile to embrace a new chapter in my life, slowly but surely. Things will be different. The friend will not know, but at least I know that I will be better, soon.
The friend had asked to meet for lunch, but I actually turned the friend down. I woke up real early today to get to work by 7am and I needed to come home to take my cough medicine. You see, I was supposed to be on M.C for the last two days but I really did not care to stay home. There was a lack of staff and if I did take anymore M.Cs, I would be inviting unwanted gossip.
Was feeling a little down after that, not quite sure whether it was the medicine or my own feelings. Anyway, I just feel that I am slowly mentally sifting out the emotional lovey-dovey parts from the friendship parts and putting the former into a box to be stored away in one part of my memory forever. Until such a time that I need it, then I will bring it out again, on condition that it will not be painful to myself.
I am on my way to closure. I can almost hear the sad violin playing in the background, but I refuse to be sad and I refuse to mope. I will walk with a smile to embrace a new chapter in my life, slowly but surely. Things will be different. The friend will not know, but at least I know that I will be better, soon.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Waxing (not so) lyrical
Well, it has been a horrible weekend. I can say that my so-called love life is in the doldrums and will be headed for doom soon, just as soon as I am able to accept and create closure for myself. I need to move on. I don't mean to mope here, but I need to type it out in order to tell myself to execute it.
First step to healing my heart was to try the wax strips that I bought from the pharmacy. I once tried these in my Uni days and I suppose I did not know how to do it very well, either that or the product itself was not so good yet. I did not succeed in removing much hair and got my toilet all yucky after that. I stopped using those like, forever.
For the past two or three years, I have been going to "Strip, the Ministry of Wax" to have my fix of grooming. Looks like I would have to stop that soon too as my package is going to be used up soon and I do not intend to continue going to them. For one, I will need lots of Vitamin M and for seconds, they like to 'sell' you stuff: if it is not this cream, it will be IPL treatment, that treatment, something or other.
I do not blame them though. This is how the general environment of their industry works. Plus they earn commission like that. Only thing for a softy like me is to have to prep myself on how to say "No" every time before I go for a session. I could almost memorise and predict what they are going to ask and/or tell me.
It is even contradictory. One of them told me that because I wax, that I would get in-grown hair easily and that I should try IPL instead. Funny? Wasn't their business all about waxing? Why were they slapping their own 'faces'? I suppose this is what I had learned in my hotel course as "up-selling".
I also do not dare to request for a regular therapist for fear that if I stuck to one, I would get too emotional and attached and would be more inclined to say "yes" to any suggestions whatsoever for treatments that she gives. I am sorry, if you are a therapist and is reading this but I really would like to be more prudent in my spending, you know. Plus I am just like that. I judge whether I would go back to a hairdresser by how over chatty he or she is. If he or she tries to sell me everything under the sun in their shop, it would be the first and last time that I would go there.
Anyway, I tried the brand "Nair" and it turned out pretty good! All those trips to the waxing salon also taught me a thing or two about waxing myself. There was also a nice strawberry taste to it, which was yummy. There is also glitter on the wax, which made it all the more fun!
There, I think I will be able to manage on my own and be able to save tons of money from now. Plus, I do not need to make an appointment or wait for any particular day to go. I can do it in the comfort of my own home :)
p/s: I am not going to tell you which areas I wax, OK! Hahahaha!
First step to healing my heart was to try the wax strips that I bought from the pharmacy. I once tried these in my Uni days and I suppose I did not know how to do it very well, either that or the product itself was not so good yet. I did not succeed in removing much hair and got my toilet all yucky after that. I stopped using those like, forever.
For the past two or three years, I have been going to "Strip, the Ministry of Wax" to have my fix of grooming. Looks like I would have to stop that soon too as my package is going to be used up soon and I do not intend to continue going to them. For one, I will need lots of Vitamin M and for seconds, they like to 'sell' you stuff: if it is not this cream, it will be IPL treatment, that treatment, something or other.
I do not blame them though. This is how the general environment of their industry works. Plus they earn commission like that. Only thing for a softy like me is to have to prep myself on how to say "No" every time before I go for a session. I could almost memorise and predict what they are going to ask and/or tell me.
It is even contradictory. One of them told me that because I wax, that I would get in-grown hair easily and that I should try IPL instead. Funny? Wasn't their business all about waxing? Why were they slapping their own 'faces'? I suppose this is what I had learned in my hotel course as "up-selling".
I also do not dare to request for a regular therapist for fear that if I stuck to one, I would get too emotional and attached and would be more inclined to say "yes" to any suggestions whatsoever for treatments that she gives. I am sorry, if you are a therapist and is reading this but I really would like to be more prudent in my spending, you know. Plus I am just like that. I judge whether I would go back to a hairdresser by how over chatty he or she is. If he or she tries to sell me everything under the sun in their shop, it would be the first and last time that I would go there.
Anyway, I tried the brand "Nair" and it turned out pretty good! All those trips to the waxing salon also taught me a thing or two about waxing myself. There was also a nice strawberry taste to it, which was yummy. There is also glitter on the wax, which made it all the more fun!
There, I think I will be able to manage on my own and be able to save tons of money from now. Plus, I do not need to make an appointment or wait for any particular day to go. I can do it in the comfort of my own home :)
p/s: I am not going to tell you which areas I wax, OK! Hahahaha!
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Closure
Met up with an 'old' friend from Uni days yesterday (Friday). We were for some parts of our lives, 'detached' from each other as she set up her own family and had a successful career. Things have changed a bit but we got connected again through Facebook.
There was another friend, Let's call her "friend A", whom we were very close to but till now, I still refused to accept in Facebook. Maybe it is because I could see what sort of person she is and remembered the not-so-nice things that she did to me during Uni days or maybe, part of me just did not want to tell her that I am a divorcee. That would be admitting that she is better off than me...in a certain way. Don't get me wrong though. It is not that I dislike this status but with friends who like to compare, I just wished to keep a safe distance. I would rather not go there.
Anyway, this 'old' friend that I met up, told me that Friend A had news for me that this person that I used to be seeing during my Uni days, has died. He died quite some years back now.
I was not surprised. I already kind of knew that he was no longer in this world but someone telling me in my face became a formal closure for me. I told my 'old' friend that I was OK and that I was not affected (much), but that night when I came home, I did not really sleep well. No, I did not cry. I think I was past that for this one was a relationship that was never going to work out and I have let go a long time ago. It was just that from time to time, I used to wonder where he was and what he was doing and whether or not I could find him on Facebook.
That night, I reminisced about us back in those days. Those were bittersweet memories that will now have to be packed neatly and kept in a box somewhere, to be stored inside a corner of my heart.
Rest in peace, Y.S.C.
There was another friend, Let's call her "friend A", whom we were very close to but till now, I still refused to accept in Facebook. Maybe it is because I could see what sort of person she is and remembered the not-so-nice things that she did to me during Uni days or maybe, part of me just did not want to tell her that I am a divorcee. That would be admitting that she is better off than me...in a certain way. Don't get me wrong though. It is not that I dislike this status but with friends who like to compare, I just wished to keep a safe distance. I would rather not go there.
Anyway, this 'old' friend that I met up, told me that Friend A had news for me that this person that I used to be seeing during my Uni days, has died. He died quite some years back now.
I was not surprised. I already kind of knew that he was no longer in this world but someone telling me in my face became a formal closure for me. I told my 'old' friend that I was OK and that I was not affected (much), but that night when I came home, I did not really sleep well. No, I did not cry. I think I was past that for this one was a relationship that was never going to work out and I have let go a long time ago. It was just that from time to time, I used to wonder where he was and what he was doing and whether or not I could find him on Facebook.
That night, I reminisced about us back in those days. Those were bittersweet memories that will now have to be packed neatly and kept in a box somewhere, to be stored inside a corner of my heart.
Rest in peace, Y.S.C.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Subconsciously...
My cousin had his wedding reception last Sunday. I was really looking forward to it, or so I thought I was. Maybe subconsciously, I did not want to go.
You see, this is my cousin's second wedding. His first one didn't work out. As much as I had wanted to be there to celebrate with him and his new wife, I could not. One very obvious reason is of course due to my chicken pox. The other was that I did not want awkward looks and conversations from relatives.
When my second uncle's daughter got married, they were so secretive about it and they used me as an excuse of not telling everyone. They said that they did not want to hurt my feelings. Ha!! What utter bullshit! If you don't want to tell then don't tell. Don't use me as a lousy excuse. I am happily divorced and there is no reason for me to be unhappy, unless of course they were afraid that I would jinx up their daughter's marriage.
Well, in a way, I was glad that I was not there last Sunday at my third uncle's son's wedding. Then nobody can say that I had anything to do with anything if anything happens. I was very honoured though, coz my cousin actually asked me to be receptionist. Hahaha! This is the sort of thing I liked to do. I did that for my other cousin's wedding and it was fun being the PR person.
Well, most of my cousins are all getting married now and I am happy for all of them, coz I cannot wait to be auntie to all those cute nieces and nephews! As for me, I will continue my journey in looking for a partner. No, not for marriage, but for companionship. I need to start widening my circle of friends from now.
Anyhow, I had to decline the invitation to be receptionist and I stayed at home, like any other good patient.
You see, this is my cousin's second wedding. His first one didn't work out. As much as I had wanted to be there to celebrate with him and his new wife, I could not. One very obvious reason is of course due to my chicken pox. The other was that I did not want awkward looks and conversations from relatives.
When my second uncle's daughter got married, they were so secretive about it and they used me as an excuse of not telling everyone. They said that they did not want to hurt my feelings. Ha!! What utter bullshit! If you don't want to tell then don't tell. Don't use me as a lousy excuse. I am happily divorced and there is no reason for me to be unhappy, unless of course they were afraid that I would jinx up their daughter's marriage.
Well, in a way, I was glad that I was not there last Sunday at my third uncle's son's wedding. Then nobody can say that I had anything to do with anything if anything happens. I was very honoured though, coz my cousin actually asked me to be receptionist. Hahaha! This is the sort of thing I liked to do. I did that for my other cousin's wedding and it was fun being the PR person.
Well, most of my cousins are all getting married now and I am happy for all of them, coz I cannot wait to be auntie to all those cute nieces and nephews! As for me, I will continue my journey in looking for a partner. No, not for marriage, but for companionship. I need to start widening my circle of friends from now.
Anyhow, I had to decline the invitation to be receptionist and I stayed at home, like any other good patient.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
If I had a toy boy...
If I had a toy boy, what sort of toy boy would it be?
Would he be a mascular man with long hair like Fabio?
Or would he look like a geek?
Or could he be a cross of both? Thinking about it just makes me laugh in glee.
The idea just tickles me.
Whatever it may be,
I'll just wait and see.
Maybe I will be really frisky and get a type in all three!
Would he be a mascular man with long hair like Fabio?
Or would he look like a geek?
Or could he be a cross of both? Thinking about it just makes me laugh in glee.
The idea just tickles me.
Whatever it may be,
I'll just wait and see.
Maybe I will be really frisky and get a type in all three!
Saturday, June 12, 2010
The higher one's ancticipation, the greater one's disappointment
It's so funny that I have this same crush on this same guy for donkey years, even though I have told myself to stop it.
Anyhow, I am too much of a coward to tell him in the face that I like him or that I want to do him. Hahahahaha!!!
It's funny that I also started getting really excited when we were supposed to meet tonight. What I thought was going to be an interesting and exciting night, turned out to be a night that I did not really want to be there for. He was telling me about his so-called relationships, treating me like his pal, his confidante. Sigh... . My happiness plummeted to the doldrums. It was almost painful, except that I do not really feel anymore pain as it has become numb (my feelings, that is).
He had promised to spend the whole weekend (as if!) with me and it did sound like it would be a long night out chatting, watching movies and such when we spoke last, but it was not like that. The evening ended rather abruptly and quite early, so much so that I was starting to get depressed. Shoots! He was the one who was depressed! I guess it rubbed off me.
Haha...he asked me whether I was headed for home and I told him point blank that I was going to HMV at 313@Somerset. You could see the surprise on his face. He asked me what I was going to do there. I just told him that I would window shop. That's what I do when I am depressed (more surprised look on his face and of course, I did not actually tell him I feel depressed).
Well, I did end up at HMV but NOT before going into Forever 21 to try some clothes. Depression is a dangerous thing; it makes you want to spend. A lot. If not for my limited resources, I would have gone bongkus buying loads and tonnes already.
HMV seems to set the mood for singles who have nowhere to go. There were a few single persons (usually men) roaming around, looking at C.D.s, but I suspect, their attention is more towards the lady customers in the house. One man in particular, was going around in circles with me. If not for the fact that he did not cover his mouth while coughing, I might even have befriended him. Haha! Funny.
The CD that I finally chose was Mika's Second album, The boy who knew too much. I had already bought his first album for I loved his songs like Grace Kelly and Big Girls (you are beautiful). I had stopped listening to it for awhile as I thought his second album was not to my liking. This time around though, it sounded pleasing to my ear. Hehe...guess I am a little fickle.
The journey back home by MRT was a short one, but it really did feel exceptionally lonely. I was just taking in all that loneliness and absorbing it all. It was kind of nice; kind of bittersweet; kind of beautifully sad. I chose to walk home using the route that I would not normally choose: the more dangerous path I call it, but actually not. During the day, many people use that path to get to the industrial area near my place. Even at night, there are still a few work-laters who use that route. I have grown to love it. It is where I get the frogs' symphony on a rainy day :)
Tonight, I did not care and I finally remembered to slow my steps down. Nowadays, without a car, I seem to rush from place to place as my legs never seem to be long enough. Ever. I paced myself a little and was in a contemplating mode. Except, I was contemplating nothing in particular. I was just in that funny space of melancholy. The air felt like a sad state too. Maybe I am too piteous upon myself but sometimes, once in awhile, it actually feels good to feel like that. Why should one suppress how one feels?
Life goes on. I am still in search of my toy boy, as advised by some of my friends (especially when I go to Europe). This in itself, has become a big joke to me! Then again, who knows?
p/s: When I say depressed, it is more a figure of speech sort of thing. Not that I really feel so at the moment. If the so-called depression becomes so bad that I need medical attention (which is like, never), I will let you, my readers know.
Anyhow, I am too much of a coward to tell him in the face that I like him or that I want to do him. Hahahahaha!!!
It's funny that I also started getting really excited when we were supposed to meet tonight. What I thought was going to be an interesting and exciting night, turned out to be a night that I did not really want to be there for. He was telling me about his so-called relationships, treating me like his pal, his confidante. Sigh... . My happiness plummeted to the doldrums. It was almost painful, except that I do not really feel anymore pain as it has become numb (my feelings, that is).
He had promised to spend the whole weekend (as if!) with me and it did sound like it would be a long night out chatting, watching movies and such when we spoke last, but it was not like that. The evening ended rather abruptly and quite early, so much so that I was starting to get depressed. Shoots! He was the one who was depressed! I guess it rubbed off me.
Haha...he asked me whether I was headed for home and I told him point blank that I was going to HMV at 313@Somerset. You could see the surprise on his face. He asked me what I was going to do there. I just told him that I would window shop. That's what I do when I am depressed (more surprised look on his face and of course, I did not actually tell him I feel depressed).
Well, I did end up at HMV but NOT before going into Forever 21 to try some clothes. Depression is a dangerous thing; it makes you want to spend. A lot. If not for my limited resources, I would have gone bongkus buying loads and tonnes already.
HMV seems to set the mood for singles who have nowhere to go. There were a few single persons (usually men) roaming around, looking at C.D.s, but I suspect, their attention is more towards the lady customers in the house. One man in particular, was going around in circles with me. If not for the fact that he did not cover his mouth while coughing, I might even have befriended him. Haha! Funny.
The CD that I finally chose was Mika's Second album, The boy who knew too much. I had already bought his first album for I loved his songs like Grace Kelly and Big Girls (you are beautiful). I had stopped listening to it for awhile as I thought his second album was not to my liking. This time around though, it sounded pleasing to my ear. Hehe...guess I am a little fickle.
The journey back home by MRT was a short one, but it really did feel exceptionally lonely. I was just taking in all that loneliness and absorbing it all. It was kind of nice; kind of bittersweet; kind of beautifully sad. I chose to walk home using the route that I would not normally choose: the more dangerous path I call it, but actually not. During the day, many people use that path to get to the industrial area near my place. Even at night, there are still a few work-laters who use that route. I have grown to love it. It is where I get the frogs' symphony on a rainy day :)
Tonight, I did not care and I finally remembered to slow my steps down. Nowadays, without a car, I seem to rush from place to place as my legs never seem to be long enough. Ever. I paced myself a little and was in a contemplating mode. Except, I was contemplating nothing in particular. I was just in that funny space of melancholy. The air felt like a sad state too. Maybe I am too piteous upon myself but sometimes, once in awhile, it actually feels good to feel like that. Why should one suppress how one feels?
Life goes on. I am still in search of my toy boy, as advised by some of my friends (especially when I go to Europe). This in itself, has become a big joke to me! Then again, who knows?
p/s: When I say depressed, it is more a figure of speech sort of thing. Not that I really feel so at the moment. If the so-called depression becomes so bad that I need medical attention (which is like, never), I will let you, my readers know.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Life thus far
I have been very quiet recently. Not that I have found new love or anything like that. It is just that I feel that there is nothing much to write about. My life is simply work, study, home, work, window-shop, home and so on.
All the encounters I had while outside, are all unpleasant and it will all amount to grouses, which I find, will become too negative. Perhaps though, I should start a blog about customer service. Still thinking about it as I feel that I have less and less time to work on a computer nowadays. When I do switch it on, it will be to play Bejeweled Blitz on Facebook. It is very therapeutic that way, you know. In the end, I neglect blogging.
Well, let's talk about the happy stuff then! A "Popeyes" has opened near where I stay and I am absolutely delighted! The chicken is yummier than the one with the old man as a logo. Heeheehee! Don't get me wrong. I used to like the old man's chicken but through the years, I must have gotten bored with it. Let us just say that their standards might have changed too and it is not to my liking.
The other happy thing is that the MRT Circle Line is going to open soon (at least the portion that leads me to my work place). I will commute via MRT instead of the bus soon. Don't get me wrong, I do prefer the bus to the MRT anytime. It is just that the traffic on the road is so unpredictable. I am usually caught in a jam here and there and there are stops where more people alight or people just stop at more stops (if you get what I mean). With the MRT, I can at least monitor my time more accurately.
Besides, this Circle Line goes against the flow of the human traffic (read: not going via City Hall MRT station). Therefore, I hope there will be less people. The really cool thing happening for me is that the entrance to the circle line is just two streets from where I work. It will definitely be a shorter walk after a tiring day at work!
I have already taken the trial ride last weekend. I will be working on the 17th when it opens for operation. I can't wait!
All the encounters I had while outside, are all unpleasant and it will all amount to grouses, which I find, will become too negative. Perhaps though, I should start a blog about customer service. Still thinking about it as I feel that I have less and less time to work on a computer nowadays. When I do switch it on, it will be to play Bejeweled Blitz on Facebook. It is very therapeutic that way, you know. In the end, I neglect blogging.
Well, let's talk about the happy stuff then! A "Popeyes" has opened near where I stay and I am absolutely delighted! The chicken is yummier than the one with the old man as a logo. Heeheehee! Don't get me wrong. I used to like the old man's chicken but through the years, I must have gotten bored with it. Let us just say that their standards might have changed too and it is not to my liking.
The other happy thing is that the MRT Circle Line is going to open soon (at least the portion that leads me to my work place). I will commute via MRT instead of the bus soon. Don't get me wrong, I do prefer the bus to the MRT anytime. It is just that the traffic on the road is so unpredictable. I am usually caught in a jam here and there and there are stops where more people alight or people just stop at more stops (if you get what I mean). With the MRT, I can at least monitor my time more accurately.
Besides, this Circle Line goes against the flow of the human traffic (read: not going via City Hall MRT station). Therefore, I hope there will be less people. The really cool thing happening for me is that the entrance to the circle line is just two streets from where I work. It will definitely be a shorter walk after a tiring day at work!
I have already taken the trial ride last weekend. I will be working on the 17th when it opens for operation. I can't wait!
Sunday, January 31, 2010
My love life
Just got my life fortune told and it was not so good in terms of my love life. Haha! What is new? Apparently, I am not suited for marriage and if I do, there would be lots of quarrels and unhappiness. How true!
The sad part is that the person that I like is also not suited for marriage. Well, I guess the not-so-sad part would be that I can let go and not try to imagine him as my potential boyfriend.
Funny thing was that I dreamed of him as my boyfriend this afternoon while I had a nap!! We were so lovey-dovey and intimate and it was so real that I could not believe myself (in the dream of course).
Apparently, I will only get lucky after I turn 42 or so. What is the point, right? Anyway, I shall TRY to concentrate on other parts of my life that are OK and hope that life would not be so tough.
The sad part is that the person that I like is also not suited for marriage. Well, I guess the not-so-sad part would be that I can let go and not try to imagine him as my potential boyfriend.
Funny thing was that I dreamed of him as my boyfriend this afternoon while I had a nap!! We were so lovey-dovey and intimate and it was so real that I could not believe myself (in the dream of course).
Apparently, I will only get lucky after I turn 42 or so. What is the point, right? Anyway, I shall TRY to concentrate on other parts of my life that are OK and hope that life would not be so tough.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Just a poem
Can you see that I am bleeding?
Can you see me pleading?
I am searching for a sign, any answer of any kind.
There isn't any,
It's just my wishful thinking.
I think it is time to move on
And not fret and frown;
About the has and has-beens,
What and what-nots.
I think some would call me totally silly.
As this is a one-sided love only.
But somehow I know that you know.
It's just a matter of: "Let's just try this",
"Or we don't".
Now it's time to set myself free
And not let love and its matters bind me.
It's funny how I am the self-suffering kind,
I need to break this pattern and let me know I am fine.
The earth doth turn and people still breathe.
So if you do not love me,
Let me go, please.
Torture me not with your mind playing games,
With your innocent flirts
And harmless sweet-nothings.
As you protect yourself from possible hurt and pain,
So must I, in my own way.
Think not, will I of you when I am free.
Look not, at my phone when it gives out a 'beep'.
My dreams will not be filled with thee,
My plans will only be for me.
For I must continue to love myself,
My fragile soul and my health.
Adieu to you and all the rest.
Until someone is willing to attest,
And let me know what they feel in their chest.
Whether Cupid has taken his shot,
Or whether he, did not.
Alo bonjour to the new me,
Be strong I say, courage is what I should see.
With any little tiny bits of sadness and heartbreak packed.
I should just leave this poem simply at that.
I think I am going through this phase where I need to convince myself that I am OK. I am fine, really. Especially after I write such poems to express my feelings. I just wished that I had enough courage to go ask this person regarding the way our relationship is going. But due to a previous bad experience (very bad), I have decided never to be the one to make the first move. Ever. I think I am going to move on from here but yet, I am not sure. That's just me though. That's why if I write it down, I am more likely to do so.
Can you see me pleading?
I am searching for a sign, any answer of any kind.
There isn't any,
It's just my wishful thinking.
I think it is time to move on
And not fret and frown;
About the has and has-beens,
What and what-nots.
I think some would call me totally silly.
As this is a one-sided love only.
But somehow I know that you know.
It's just a matter of: "Let's just try this",
"Or we don't".
Now it's time to set myself free
And not let love and its matters bind me.
It's funny how I am the self-suffering kind,
I need to break this pattern and let me know I am fine.
The earth doth turn and people still breathe.
So if you do not love me,
Let me go, please.
Torture me not with your mind playing games,
With your innocent flirts
And harmless sweet-nothings.
As you protect yourself from possible hurt and pain,
So must I, in my own way.
Think not, will I of you when I am free.
Look not, at my phone when it gives out a 'beep'.
My dreams will not be filled with thee,
My plans will only be for me.
For I must continue to love myself,
My fragile soul and my health.
Adieu to you and all the rest.
Until someone is willing to attest,
And let me know what they feel in their chest.
Whether Cupid has taken his shot,
Or whether he, did not.
Alo bonjour to the new me,
Be strong I say, courage is what I should see.
With any little tiny bits of sadness and heartbreak packed.
I should just leave this poem simply at that.
I think I am going through this phase where I need to convince myself that I am OK. I am fine, really. Especially after I write such poems to express my feelings. I just wished that I had enough courage to go ask this person regarding the way our relationship is going. But due to a previous bad experience (very bad), I have decided never to be the one to make the first move. Ever. I think I am going to move on from here but yet, I am not sure. That's just me though. That's why if I write it down, I am more likely to do so.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Depressed
Yes, that is how I am feeling right now. I did say that I shall not bother with things of love and lust but there is this person that I have loved for so long that...I feel depressed coz I don't think I will ever see a future with this person.
There is a lot of negativity in me. There are lots of negative thoughts: That I am not worthy, that I do not have inner beauty, etc, etc. I need to cast all these away as the more depressed I get, the harder it is for me to get better. My cough and sinuses, I mean.
I can look at it in both ways: Either that I had a bad start to the new year or that I am having a bad end to my lunar year and that only better things will come soon after. I really hope it is the latter. Sigh... .
There is a lot of negativity in me. There are lots of negative thoughts: That I am not worthy, that I do not have inner beauty, etc, etc. I need to cast all these away as the more depressed I get, the harder it is for me to get better. My cough and sinuses, I mean.
I can look at it in both ways: Either that I had a bad start to the new year or that I am having a bad end to my lunar year and that only better things will come soon after. I really hope it is the latter. Sigh... .
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Views about life and relationships
It has been a crazy week, or even months, but I think God is helping me along, edging me on with every waking hour.
Other than going for my belly dancing and ceramic classes, I hooked up with my University friend on Facebook and we caught on over the phone. She too is now divorced but has just gotten married again because she got pregnant. She told of a long story of betrayed love. long court cases (still fighting at the moment) and the fact that she had little faith in love or marriage (even though she is in one now).
While I am happy for her that she is married and pregnant with child, I cannot help but feel that God was sending me a message: that I should really wait out and be patient with finding Mr. so-called Right. OK, I know, I am beginning to sound like Sumiko Tan from Straights Times, always lamenting about how she cannot find a decent boyfriend. No, I do not like her columns and no, I do not want to lament. I think I have come to a stage that I can say that I am comfortable with who I am at the moment and what I am doing in my life. There is no guarantee that I will not want to find someone special to keep me company somewhere down the road, but at least now, I am not worried or in such a hurry to find myself a partner.
Not sure if I have mentioned this before, but I am at the stage of self-discovery and at my age, learning to really live as a whole person. Sometimes, it is not easy,having to cope with parents, colleagues and so on, but every step is a learning process.
I am learning to truly live in, and learn from these learning processes and enjoying it every moment. If there were bad moments, I now have mum to fall back on, where previously we were not able to really talk to each other, she advises me on how to handle everyday human relations. We do not always see eye to eye but I feel real close to her just by having these heart-to-heart talks.
Other than going for my belly dancing and ceramic classes, I hooked up with my University friend on Facebook and we caught on over the phone. She too is now divorced but has just gotten married again because she got pregnant. She told of a long story of betrayed love. long court cases (still fighting at the moment) and the fact that she had little faith in love or marriage (even though she is in one now).
While I am happy for her that she is married and pregnant with child, I cannot help but feel that God was sending me a message: that I should really wait out and be patient with finding Mr. so-called Right. OK, I know, I am beginning to sound like Sumiko Tan from Straights Times, always lamenting about how she cannot find a decent boyfriend. No, I do not like her columns and no, I do not want to lament. I think I have come to a stage that I can say that I am comfortable with who I am at the moment and what I am doing in my life. There is no guarantee that I will not want to find someone special to keep me company somewhere down the road, but at least now, I am not worried or in such a hurry to find myself a partner.
Not sure if I have mentioned this before, but I am at the stage of self-discovery and at my age, learning to really live as a whole person. Sometimes, it is not easy,having to cope with parents, colleagues and so on, but every step is a learning process.
I am learning to truly live in, and learn from these learning processes and enjoying it every moment. If there were bad moments, I now have mum to fall back on, where previously we were not able to really talk to each other, she advises me on how to handle everyday human relations. We do not always see eye to eye but I feel real close to her just by having these heart-to-heart talks.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
It's a new day
I am very happy today. Everything has fallen into place. I have truly begun my new chapter in life. I need to live my life as I mean it to be and not in a half here and half not kind of state.
I received an sms from my lawyer saying that she has sent me the final judgement from the Family Court. This morning, I did not have to go to work as it was Teacher's Day!! The funny thing was that I woke up with a vision of Mary and me in front of the grotto. Oh sweet loving Virgin Mary! She has, in her own ways, comforted me along the way, in ways, I do not know how to explain.
Today, I truly feel like a new person and I should try to remember this feeling and live each day like this.
I went out to celebrate Teacher's Day with my Dad as he is also a teacher. He teaches English and Chinese to adults at several community clubs. He has many loyal students. At first, he had wanted to bring me to Blue Jazz (Ha! Fancy that! My Dad bringing me to Blue Jazz!) for set lunch but it was pouring cats and dogs by the time that we wanted to go out. We decided to move to somewhere indoors but still in Bugis.
I think my Dad did not realise that we now had to change at City Hall in order to go to Bugis and once he realised that, he decided to change the eating place to City Hall instead. I recommended him the food court at Level 3 as there was this Japanese tempura stall that allowed you to choose and pick. It was a little like eating yong tau foo. Once we have chosen the pieces to cook, the chef will deep-fry the food there and then.
Dad loved the food!! Plus I also took the opportunity to point out the western food stall that I like to patronise. It is called Olive Fusion and I usually go to the one at Bugis food court. They have now opened one here as well. I think I will come to the Raffles City one more often since the one at Bugis tends to put too much garlic. I could still remember the time when I he put too much garlic that my whole mouth was chili hot and I kept tearing.
Accompanied Dad to Bras Basah Complex to get some oldies CD before heading down to the Esplanade. Dad wanted to get tickets for Chinese opera and to do some research at the library. I just wanted to wander about. Saw some visual arts exhibition and read some coming attractions at the Durian before finally meeting up with Dad and heading home again.
It was a peaceful kind of day but a nice one. Before we really headed home, I dropped by at the church and really went to the grotto to see Mother Mary. At first I even wanted to attend evening service but decided that I was not ready for that kind of commitment yet (Haha!).
After that we popped by the police station to change our address on our I/Cs and then headed home. Mum was at home waiting for us to have dinner.
I received an sms from my lawyer saying that she has sent me the final judgement from the Family Court. This morning, I did not have to go to work as it was Teacher's Day!! The funny thing was that I woke up with a vision of Mary and me in front of the grotto. Oh sweet loving Virgin Mary! She has, in her own ways, comforted me along the way, in ways, I do not know how to explain.
Today, I truly feel like a new person and I should try to remember this feeling and live each day like this.
I went out to celebrate Teacher's Day with my Dad as he is also a teacher. He teaches English and Chinese to adults at several community clubs. He has many loyal students. At first, he had wanted to bring me to Blue Jazz (Ha! Fancy that! My Dad bringing me to Blue Jazz!) for set lunch but it was pouring cats and dogs by the time that we wanted to go out. We decided to move to somewhere indoors but still in Bugis.
I think my Dad did not realise that we now had to change at City Hall in order to go to Bugis and once he realised that, he decided to change the eating place to City Hall instead. I recommended him the food court at Level 3 as there was this Japanese tempura stall that allowed you to choose and pick. It was a little like eating yong tau foo. Once we have chosen the pieces to cook, the chef will deep-fry the food there and then.
Dad loved the food!! Plus I also took the opportunity to point out the western food stall that I like to patronise. It is called Olive Fusion and I usually go to the one at Bugis food court. They have now opened one here as well. I think I will come to the Raffles City one more often since the one at Bugis tends to put too much garlic. I could still remember the time when I he put too much garlic that my whole mouth was chili hot and I kept tearing.
Accompanied Dad to Bras Basah Complex to get some oldies CD before heading down to the Esplanade. Dad wanted to get tickets for Chinese opera and to do some research at the library. I just wanted to wander about. Saw some visual arts exhibition and read some coming attractions at the Durian before finally meeting up with Dad and heading home again.
It was a peaceful kind of day but a nice one. Before we really headed home, I dropped by at the church and really went to the grotto to see Mother Mary. At first I even wanted to attend evening service but decided that I was not ready for that kind of commitment yet (Haha!).
After that we popped by the police station to change our address on our I/Cs and then headed home. Mum was at home waiting for us to have dinner.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
My fears
A few days back, I suddenly realised that I am very afraid to be alone. As much as I tried to convince myself (and those around me) that I enjoy being alone, it is actually the opposite that is true.
I suddenly thought about a lot of what if-s: What if I did not find myself a partner by a certain age and had to live and die alone; what if (and I am sure they will) my parents are no longer around anymore? What should I do; what if I died. Who is going to settle my funeral.
Questions like that kept coming up and I suddenly felt panic. Plus me being very anti-social and shy, not sure when I would ever find myself a partner any time soon. Worse yet, as age catches up on me, I have crawled deeper into my shell and do not really want to waste my time meeting new people.
All these just increased my worry and fear. Guess I am writing all this down to calm myself down. Guess what Ally McBeal (and some other shows) talked about that biological time bomb ticking away is very real. Not in the sense of making babies but in the sense of finding a mate to spend the rest of my life with. Not necessarily (to find a mate) to marry but to watch the sunset with.
Need to calm down, need to calm down.
I suddenly thought about a lot of what if-s: What if I did not find myself a partner by a certain age and had to live and die alone; what if (and I am sure they will) my parents are no longer around anymore? What should I do; what if I died. Who is going to settle my funeral.
Questions like that kept coming up and I suddenly felt panic. Plus me being very anti-social and shy, not sure when I would ever find myself a partner any time soon. Worse yet, as age catches up on me, I have crawled deeper into my shell and do not really want to waste my time meeting new people.
All these just increased my worry and fear. Guess I am writing all this down to calm myself down. Guess what Ally McBeal (and some other shows) talked about that biological time bomb ticking away is very real. Not in the sense of making babies but in the sense of finding a mate to spend the rest of my life with. Not necessarily (to find a mate) to marry but to watch the sunset with.
Need to calm down, need to calm down.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Strangest feeling
I have thought that I am void of all feelings towards the opposite sex. I thought I would not be affected at all. Turns out that I am still partly human after all.
Just a few days back, one of my new colleagues was so cute and so sweet! She asked me point blank whether I had a boyfriend or not. My reply was negative and she immediately told me that she wanted to introduce a friend of hers to me.
It was a funny kind of feeling as, I would have been very repulsed towards such 'things' before. Yet, that day, I was full of curiosity and interest and yet, afraid all at the same time. I remember asking her how old the guy was, what he was doing and lots more other questions like that.
I would not reveal too much except that the guy is so much younger than I am. Just wondering how "I" am going to handle this since I have a little phobia of younger guys, let alone much younger ones!
Nevertheless, I also revealed to this new colleague of mine (who is slightly younger than me) that I am not a clean slate. That I have things to settle before I can move on to other things. I can be upfront about it now. She too was very nice to check with the guy friend and he was ok to be friends with me.
She did ask me for my phone number but I did not commit to anything...yet.
It is funny coz I am already getting a fuzzy feeling even though nothing, not even friendship, has started. I guess it's the thought that counts.
Just a few days back, one of my new colleagues was so cute and so sweet! She asked me point blank whether I had a boyfriend or not. My reply was negative and she immediately told me that she wanted to introduce a friend of hers to me.
It was a funny kind of feeling as, I would have been very repulsed towards such 'things' before. Yet, that day, I was full of curiosity and interest and yet, afraid all at the same time. I remember asking her how old the guy was, what he was doing and lots more other questions like that.
I would not reveal too much except that the guy is so much younger than I am. Just wondering how "I" am going to handle this since I have a little phobia of younger guys, let alone much younger ones!
Nevertheless, I also revealed to this new colleague of mine (who is slightly younger than me) that I am not a clean slate. That I have things to settle before I can move on to other things. I can be upfront about it now. She too was very nice to check with the guy friend and he was ok to be friends with me.
She did ask me for my phone number but I did not commit to anything...yet.
It is funny coz I am already getting a fuzzy feeling even though nothing, not even friendship, has started. I guess it's the thought that counts.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Rojak feelings
My court date has been fixed (I will not tell you when now as I am a little 'pantang' i.e. superstitious. You will know when I blog about it).
I am having all these mixed feelings about it and it did not help that one of my colleagues told me that given time, sometimes, someone can change for the better. I can see where she is coming from as she is also Christian and would rather a couple stayed together. She was trying to help me think whether there was a possibility of me and him getting back together.
It feels really strange to me. As in, why all these 'interventions' and 'signs' when I have already made up my mind and he has already made up his? Is this God's way of telling me to stay? I certainly hope not.
Then of course, I had to be such a nosey-parker as to go check up his friends on facebook. There, I see this mutual friend of ours that I had liked and things did not work out. It brought back funny feelings. Feelings that I have not felt for the longest time, for there in his profile photo, was him and a girl. These were feelings that I thought would have been long thrown down the drain but it was all threatening to well up again.
I took a walk around my estate. I had to. I had to get some fresh air and breathe. All the time, I was praying that I would get out of all this (divorce) 'alive' and that somebody would be waiting at the other end with open arms, ready to catch me and hold me. Fat hope, of course. But sometimes, it is good to dream and hope a little. Or maybe, I dream too much.
I am having all these mixed feelings about it and it did not help that one of my colleagues told me that given time, sometimes, someone can change for the better. I can see where she is coming from as she is also Christian and would rather a couple stayed together. She was trying to help me think whether there was a possibility of me and him getting back together.
It feels really strange to me. As in, why all these 'interventions' and 'signs' when I have already made up my mind and he has already made up his? Is this God's way of telling me to stay? I certainly hope not.
Then of course, I had to be such a nosey-parker as to go check up his friends on facebook. There, I see this mutual friend of ours that I had liked and things did not work out. It brought back funny feelings. Feelings that I have not felt for the longest time, for there in his profile photo, was him and a girl. These were feelings that I thought would have been long thrown down the drain but it was all threatening to well up again.
I took a walk around my estate. I had to. I had to get some fresh air and breathe. All the time, I was praying that I would get out of all this (divorce) 'alive' and that somebody would be waiting at the other end with open arms, ready to catch me and hold me. Fat hope, of course. But sometimes, it is good to dream and hope a little. Or maybe, I dream too much.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Relieved
I received the documents that I was supposed to receive from my lawyer. That can only mean one thing: That he has signed the papers. It all seems so surreal now. Like I almost cannot believe it.
Then again too, sometimes, one is so used to the pain and emptiness, that it is almost hard to let go. I think it is easy to blame somebody for your unhappiness and loneliness. It is so easy to point fingers. Yet, it is the 'aftermath' that makes one seriously sit down and think of what to do and how to face the road ahead.
Sounds cliche, but I guess the only way is forward. Ambling along kind of forward. Take it one day at a time sort of forward.
It's not as if it is over for me though. I still have one more small hurdle to cross: going to court. I will cross it when it comes and when I have crossed that too, I shall celebrate life with a big bang before moving anywhere!
Then again too, sometimes, one is so used to the pain and emptiness, that it is almost hard to let go. I think it is easy to blame somebody for your unhappiness and loneliness. It is so easy to point fingers. Yet, it is the 'aftermath' that makes one seriously sit down and think of what to do and how to face the road ahead.
Sounds cliche, but I guess the only way is forward. Ambling along kind of forward. Take it one day at a time sort of forward.
It's not as if it is over for me though. I still have one more small hurdle to cross: going to court. I will cross it when it comes and when I have crossed that too, I shall celebrate life with a big bang before moving anywhere!
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