It's a new day

I am very happy today. Everything has fallen into place. I have truly begun my new chapter in life. I need to live my life as I mean it to be and not in a half here and half not kind of state.

I received an sms from my lawyer saying that she has sent me the final judgement from the Family Court. This morning, I did not have to go to work as it was Teacher's Day!! The funny thing was that I woke up with a vision of Mary and me in front of the grotto. Oh sweet loving Virgin Mary! She has, in her own ways, comforted me along the way, in ways, I do not know how to explain.

Today, I truly feel like a new person and I should try to remember this feeling and live each day like this.

I went out to celebrate Teacher's Day with my Dad as he is also a teacher. He teaches English and Chinese to adults at several community clubs. He has many loyal students. At first, he had wanted to bring me to Blue Jazz (Ha! Fancy that! My Dad bringing me to Blue Jazz!) for set lunch but it was pouring cats and dogs by the time that we wanted to go out. We decided to move to somewhere indoors but still in Bugis.

I think my Dad did not realise that we now had to change at City Hall in order to go to Bugis and once he realised that, he decided to change the eating place to City Hall instead. I recommended him the food court at Level 3 as there was this Japanese tempura stall that allowed you to choose and pick. It was a little like eating yong tau foo. Once we have chosen the pieces to cook, the chef will deep-fry the food there and then.

Dad loved the food!! Plus I also took the opportunity to point out the western food stall that I like to patronise. It is called Olive Fusion and I usually go to the one at Bugis food court. They have now opened one here as well. I think I will come to the Raffles City one more often since the one at Bugis tends to put too much garlic. I could still remember the time when I he put too much garlic that my whole mouth was chili hot and I kept tearing.

Accompanied Dad to Bras Basah Complex to get some oldies CD before heading down to the Esplanade. Dad wanted to get tickets for Chinese opera and to do some research at the library. I just wanted to wander about. Saw some visual arts exhibition and read some coming attractions at the Durian before finally meeting up with Dad and heading home again.

It was a peaceful kind of day but a nice one. Before we really headed home, I dropped by at the church and really went to the grotto to see Mother Mary. At first I even wanted to attend evening service but decided that I was not ready for that kind of commitment yet (Haha!).

After that we popped by the police station to change our address on our I/Cs and then headed home. Mum was at home waiting for us to have dinner.

What should I do?

How am I going to celebrate all the good stuff that is coming my way? Well, I wanted to go clubbing and karaoke-ing but these would be pushed back for now.

For a start, I went for a nice chatty dinner wtih Spacecake. It was catch up time and I was bursting with stuff about my own life. Hope she did not find me too boring a company.

Then she gave me a lacquer box from a neighbouring country. On the very nice box was a dragonfly. According to her, dragonfly signifies love in that country. Thanks Spacecake, I am sure love will take flight, when it comes and happens :) Meanwhile though, I am still in the state of being happy coz I am free (almost).

Oh! Then of course, I booked my flight out for a short holiday in one of those Indonesian islands and another to KL. These are little 'presents' for myself. I am also considering checking in to one of the local boutique hotels for a mini celebration as well :)

Today in court

Today, no yesterday, I went to court. It was my first time and hopefully last time that I was in one. I was a bundle of nerves. First, I was not sure where the Family court was and then I was so intimidated by all those lawyers in white shirts and black jackets that I literally froze up.

It should have been an easy thing, just like my lawyer assured me. Somehow though, I just got all nervous. Maybe it is because I was worried that I would not know how to 'swear' in front of the judge. Or that something might just go wrong somehow.

It should also be easy since I was not the first one to go. There was supposed to be one other guy before me. Turns out there were two persons before me instead. Nevertheless, I was thankful in that I could 'observe' some more.

The funniest thing happened during the time when I was swearing to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. While holding up my right hand, I had to touch the Bible with my left. Some funny energy surged through me through my left hand (could just be my imagination).

That energy transformed into a whole plethora of emotions. While my lawyer was asking all the questions that she had briefed me before, my whole marriage life seemed to flash before me. I was choking up, but I controlled myself.

My slot in court was 2.30pm but the Judge was late and there were two before me. I still managed to get out of court by about 2.50pm. As I walked down the stairs out of the Family Court, I was just flooded with emotion and relief. I had to tell myself that life is going to be better. I had to brush away the stray tear or two.

It is so strange, since I am supposed to be detached from it all. I should have left all that emotional crap when I walked out that door about 4 years ago. I should be void of all emotions regarding this matter by now, but yet, I am only human I suppose.

This is only interim judgement or some such stuff like that. I still have to wait for 3 months before final judgement is made.

Rojak feelings

My court date has been fixed (I will not tell you when now as I am a little 'pantang' i.e. superstitious. You will know when I blog about it).

I am having all these mixed feelings about it and it did not help that one of my colleagues told me that given time, sometimes, someone can change for the better. I can see where she is coming from as she is also Christian and would rather a couple stayed together. She was trying to help me think whether there was a possibility of me and him getting back together.

It feels really strange to me. As in, why all these 'interventions' and 'signs' when I have already made up my mind and he has already made up his? Is this God's way of telling me to stay? I certainly hope not.

Then of course, I had to be such a nosey-parker as to go check up his friends on facebook. There, I see this mutual friend of ours that I had liked and things did not work out. It brought back funny feelings. Feelings that I have not felt for the longest time, for there in his profile photo, was him and a girl. These were feelings that I thought would have been long thrown down the drain but it was all threatening to well up again.

I took a walk around my estate. I had to. I had to get some fresh air and breathe. All the time, I was praying that I would get out of all this (divorce) 'alive' and that somebody would be waiting at the other end with open arms, ready to catch me and hold me. Fat hope, of course. But sometimes, it is good to dream and hope a little. Or maybe, I dream too much.

Relieved

I received the documents that I was supposed to receive from my lawyer. That can only mean one thing: That he has signed the papers. It all seems so surreal now. Like I almost cannot believe it.

Then again too, sometimes, one is so used to the pain and emptiness, that it is almost hard to let go. I think it is easy to blame somebody for your unhappiness and loneliness. It is so easy to point fingers. Yet, it is the 'aftermath' that makes one seriously sit down and think of what to do and how to face the road ahead.

Sounds cliche, but I guess the only way is forward. Ambling along kind of forward. Take it one day at a time sort of forward.

It's not as if it is over for me though. I still have one more small hurdle to cross: going to court. I will cross it when it comes and when I have crossed that too, I shall celebrate life with a big bang before moving anywhere!

Not so worried now

I am slightly better now for after I posted the previous post, I got a reply and when I messaged my lawyer the next day, she seem to give me the impression that my soon-to-be-ex has already gotten in touch with her.

Have to go to sleep now. Hoping to wake up super early to do assignment. This is crazy. I mean this kind of life reminds me of my Uni days.

Worried. Very worried.

I never thought that I would have to worry about my husband not agreeing to divorce. After all, he did rush me to get it over and done with. Or was he just testing waters?

I sent him an email about a week or so ago detailing some things that he had to do and some of it involved money. I did not get any reply or sms-s. Today, my lawyer called me to tell me that the papers have been approved by court and it was time to ask him to go sign the papers. I messaged him quite late. About 10 plus at night because my hand phone battery was running real low and I guess I was still in half disbelief.

Somehow, there is this nagging feeling though and I am starting to panic. There are lots of what-ifs going on in my mind now. What if he does not want to sign? What if he disappears? What if he does not want to pay for his share?

The list goes on.

I am praying very hard now. I am praying that when I wake up tomorrow, that there would be good news, or at least some news. I know this makes me sound bad; as if I want to divorce real badly. You see, this painfully empty marriage has been dragging on for so long that I think it is time we put it to rest. I think it will do both parties good.

Every time I visit my lawyer...

... I buy shoes!!! Two pairs each time! This time it was at Mitju. My feet were absolutely killing me (I wore one of the pairs that I bought when I last visited at her other office near Golden Shoe Car Park).

Both were flats and I just could not resist it. Once I changed into the new pair, my feet got instant relief. Aaah!! So many excuses :P

Calm amidst frenzy

I would call this another crazy day, except that I think I have overkilled the word "crazy". Anyhow, everything was not going according to plan.

I was supposed to go do my medical check-up today and I fasted since 10pm the night before. It was 8.40am and we were still in the house when I was supposed to have reached the clinic. Not that there were any appointments made but this was precisely the problem. It was on a first come first served basis and getting there late means waiting longer in queue and getting hungrier by the hour.

Dad was supposed to send me there as he needed the car today, but because he woke up late (coz I did not have the heart to wake him up earlier, seeing that he was tired the night before) and both of us ladies of the house occupied the toilets, he ended up being really late.

Just as we were about to go, my mum said something really not so nice. She told me, if I were really in such a hurry, why not go take a taxi? She sounded real challenging and in the end, I really did for I knew if I waited for Dad, there would be more arguments along the way and it would not be good for blood pressure results.

When I reached the clinic, I had to take pee samples right? Well, I had very little pee as I thought fasting meant no water too. I had to drink 5 cups of water before managing to deliver. Well, there was no doubt that I kept looking for toilets for the rest of the day.

Then I had to go to my lawyer's and because I did not manage to get a lift from Dad in the morning, I did not get the cheque that he wrote out for me. I had to withdraw money from an ATM. Guess what? There are no UOB or OCBC atm-s at The Central!!! Usually where they is at least one UOB at the MRT stations, there was none at the Clarke Quay station. I had to walk two traffic lights away to People's Park to get my money. It was torturous considering that I had blisters on my feet and swollen ones at that!

I managed to do it though; draw money and get back to the area near The Central. The papers will be filed tomorrow and I would soon be on my way to freedom. Hopefully everything will turn out fine.

A little reward

What did I do after seeing my lawyer?? I went to buy two pairs of shoes! I would have bought three if I did not stop myself in time. The shoes were just too lovely! The place? Golden Shoe Car Park. They have got shops on the first floor and there was this lovely shoe shop with my name on many of the shoes and so I had to get me some. :P

I somehow felt liberated and thought I had to celebrate making that first move towards liberation.

After those two pairs of shoes, which, by the way, were discounted (one pair was 70% off while another was 20% off), the day passed by like a dream.

Till tomorrow then!