Flower power

I did say that I was not totally idle while looking for my new career direction. Besides helping my friend handle enquiries and registering participants for the terrarium workshops during the Singapore Biennale 2011, I was also helping out her mum, who has a flower stall at one of the markets in Ang Mo Kio Ave 4. Above are some of the pictures I took of the flowers. The box of leaves are those that we plucked from the stems.


Here are the pictures from the Biennale workshops@ Old Kallang Airport:

This market was burnt down by a big fire and took quite a long time to rebuild. Thank goodness now all is well. My friend's father just passed on, her mum was sick one day but still insisted on going to open her stall and in a last minute attempt, asked me to go down to help her.

Therefore I did! What an experience it was! The stall may be just be a simple stall but so much went on that day. I became the jasmine flower/ jasmine chain packer. It was not simply selling flowers for one had to know a little about praying. Some would come and ask for flower petals, some would buy those green lemons (those with crumpled skin). Yet others would ask for pomelo leaves. Those jasmine chains are like necklaces that go around the necks of Hindu and/or Thai Gods.

It might just be a stall but there is a lot of PR going on. Auntie (my friend's mum) has built up a good relationship with her customers over the years and she has lots of regular customers. Most of them who come will wait for her to pack the flowers. They do not even need to tell her. They will tell me that Auntie knows and some will tell me,"You don't know one lah!" LOL.

Was quite shy at first but after a while, got used to the idea of working at the market and began asking customers what they want, do they want jasmine petals to go with their flowers, etc. Due to the fact that the next day was going to be the 15th of the lunar month, it was super busy. When there were no customers, auntie would be busy packing bouquets of flowers as she already knows which regulars would drop by later and what they wanted.

On other days when the store is not officially open, we would be busy packing and 'tidying' up the flowers in preparation to sell them. All these were good training for me for I will also be doing similar stuff in my new job, albeit in an air conditioned environment.

There is lots of camaraderie around the market too. The fruit stall sellers opposite will look out for Auntie's stall and we always have lunch together. Those were happy times. Everyone was every one's friend and the customers were all chummy. Some were very understanding and were more patient while others complained about me giving too little jasmine petals. :P

Well, I think I will still go back there once in awhile to help out, even after I start my new job. It is good to feel grounded like that.

Positivity

Wow! It was one wait after another but I can finally say that the wait is almost over. It is a positive wait this time though for most of the details have been confirmed. With much luck, I will start work soon.

I know I have said that I did not like customer service because of the not-so-nice customers and yet, I feel that my strength is still there. Even though I 'claim' that I am a shy person, but I think it is a bit of an opposites attract kinda logic. During this period when I am not working, I was not totally idle. I did do certain things that helped me (re)build my confidence in meeting people. Guess I will blog about it in my next post.

For now, I am just glad that things are turning out the way it should and that at least, the sense of helplessness of being penniless would be gone soon. Although some (if not most) may say that I am over-qualified for this position, but only I myself will know what is best for me right now. At least, I am making my own dream come true.

It is going to be a new start, a new beginning. I do not know how many new starts I am going to have but I certainly hope that this will be my last. I know, some might be metaphorically throwing rotten eggs at me for things that I have said in the past, about my other career and life choices. But I believe that everyone has their own paths to take and mine, was just a little different from others. I would like to believe that it is because I am special :)

Waiting for the sunshine after the rain/storm

Life is looking better. I have actually been called up for a second interview but it has made me even more nervous. I was nervous before because they told me that I had to wait 2 weeks for my 'results'. If I were shortlisted, I would get a call. If not, I will receive a letter to notify me of my failure to pass that first interview. 2 weeks. It's a long wait.

Now I am nervous because I will be meeting the upper management. I need to remind myself to be myself, but at the same time, I need to run through some thought-out questions over and over in my head. But whatever it is, I know that He is always with me, just like He has been, through all these difficult times. I can truly now say that He really listens.

Things are falling into place and there was something that I volunteered for, which is now also moving on smoothly. I suppose one cannot stay idle for too long. At least I cannot, even though I would like to. I get into a state of panic.

As the old saying goes, when you have the money, you don't have the time, and when you have the time, you don't have the money to do what you have always wanted to do.

Once I get work, I would like to save up for a bicycle. Then I would like to get a hand beater or a cake mixer so that I can bake cakes and such. I can almost see the sun now. Hopefully it will come shine brightly soon!

Lives and deaths

Oh yes, in the midst of finding jobs and cleaning up, something else happened. My very close friend's father passed away. How close were we? We knew each other since kindergarten. That is how close we are.

Despite that though, I seldom got to see her Dad. I only got to see him recently when he gave me a lift home. Gosh! Little did I realise that it would be the last time I would see him alive.

Even though I have only recently gotten back into contact with this friend of mine, but I feel really close to her and her family. Maybe it is because we all speak Cantonese. I went everyday to the wake and accompanied them even, for the "very last journey".

Once again, it hit home that one day, my Dad's turn will come. He was the same age as my friend's Dad and the similarities of their age, just made me that much more sober about the times that I spend with my Dad (and my Mum, of course).

It's like I want to live each day more purposefully and also to be more conscious about interacting with my parents coz when they are six feet under, it would then be too late. Then again, no matter how much we have done, we will always have regrets and I think I also need to prepare myself for that. Sounds serious and more grievous, but it has once again made me realise the fragility and importance of life.

Clean my house, clean my heart

I have taken a very long time to heal myself. I was...on the verge of a breakdown/meltdown and everything else one can imagine, but I think I am slowly recovering.

Well, I don't really like to blog about these stuff coz some friends would think it is all a joke and that I am perfectly fine. Or maybe, deep down they thought that by laughing it off, my problems will go away. Well, even this reaction, I have learned to handle it. It is called coping and managing relationships I guess.

Yes, I may have to revisit the fact that my heart and soul was not completely healed from the time that I got divorced. Not sure whether I blogged about it before but I was walking home one day when a thought suddenly came to me: that my soul was so much in tatters that it was threatening to break (if it were made of glass). That was realisation. It was not full acknowledgement yet.

I suppose, the acknowledgement  came when I decided to resign. I decided to just throw caution to the wind and see where I could go from here. Meanwhile. I wanted a complete rest. A real sort of rest so that I can really stop and collect my thoughts, collect my actions and decide what I want to do from here.

In the first days and even weeks (just one actually) of jobless-ness, I was in self-denial. I was playing cafe world. :P Almost most of the day. Then I watched Clean House on Style Network (came with the new cable TV upgrade that I fought for). There was this strong message that the cleaning of the house, is actually sort of like cleaning of the soul. It was to give the heart a sort of closure.

There were some, who lost their parent(s) and just left the houses the way that the parent left it, messy or not. There are also those who became compulsive buyers because they lost someone dear to them. This was when I decided that I really needed to clean my room and my stuff up. If not to close the chapter of the unhappy marriage (there are some stuff left tucked somewhere), it would be in preparation for a new part of the journey. Well, even this line sounds familiar.

I know, I seem to keep starting over and over again, but I don't think everybody is perfect. I feel that seemingly perfect people are just trying to cover up some of their own imperfections. One of my friends recently agreed that yes, everyone is actually lost. It's just a matter of admitting it or not. I maybe wrong about this weird logic about perfections and imperfections, but I believe, I am entitled to my point of view.

I am still tidying up but I have given away quite a number of clothes and bags and also quite a number of rubbish have been cleared. I think these are symbolic of my own heart. That I am throwing what is not wanted away, so that I can receive the new. Already, my heart feels lighter and things seem to be getting better.

Tomorrow, I will go for a job interview. You can say it is my dream job, for now at least. I don't want to say "ever" because I don't want people saying "you see? you said it was your dream job and now look....".

I  may look fickle up front, but at least I am making an effort. Some would also think that this job is nothing much, but I don't think it is an easy job at all. At least to be professional, I have what it takes to do it. Well, thank goodness that He was there in strange, funny ways, that I am able to sprout all these so-called bravado.

In any case, I hope to get my life back on track and I also hope to blog more often. Soon.

Thoughts about the Japanese Tsunami

It's been a long time since I blogged. It feels like an eternity. Sometimes, I am so tired, that I do not even turn on my computer. No actually, I am not turning it on for the sake of my health. It is said that using the computer at night will make one too awake to want to go to sleep.

Yes, I have been suffering form insomnia, a little. Not sure whether it is due to the usage of the computer or because of other issues.

The reason why I am blogging now is because something big has stirred up a lot of emotions inside me. I was cooped up in the office all day and had no idea what was going on in the outside world. When taking the train back home, it has now become my habit to whip out my phone and go to facebook to check for updates from friends (another reason why I do not use the computer so much).

It was only then that I realised that there has been an earthquake and tsunami in Japan. News really spread quickly and we do not ONLY rely on tradition media such as the television or the radio to receive information anymore.

At first I was quite nonchalant about it all, thinking that it was all happening in a land faraway from here. But reading the news and receiving messages from friends commenting on the magnitude of the whole incident suddenly made me think that one day, in the not so faraway future, this could actually be happening to us, an island country that is but a dot in the map of the world.

Then I thought about my friend all the way in Europe and about her story on her relative that was connected to the tsunami of the recent years that passed. I suddenly had so much emotions welling up in my chest that I immediately sent a message to say "hello".

Perhaps it could also have been the message that was sent out by L'oreal Paris Singapore on facebook to ask everyone to pray in their own way for the people of Japan. That really touched me as well. At that point of time, after 12 midnight, laying on my bed, I just felt that no matter what hardships and difficulties that I was going through, it all seem to minute to be important. It was less important than the warmth and love I felt from family and friends; less important than the fact that today, I am still alive, while someone else's life had been swept away, perhaps even without them knowing that it would be their last.

No, I have never really felt like this before. Or perhaps, I refused to be too 'involved' when such natural disasters happened. Somehow though, this time it was a little different. Maybe because it felt so real as everyone was talking about it over facebook.

I will keep praying for those who are in Japan now. Just like how I know my proper fire evacuation procedures, the Japanese are well prepared from  their years of practice with their own emergency evacuation exercises. They will find a good way out of this situation right now.

Happy CNY!

Woah! It's been a long time since I blogged. Feeling so lazy and tired of thinking actually.

Anyway, Happy Chinese New Year (CNY) everybody. It has been a long year and now, there is still more to go on for. Some people have their 5-year plans but I tend to not follow conventions. There is a little rebel in me that wants to go against things, you see?

Anyhow, it is somehow time to think about some future directions: my career, my relationships, my life (if and when my parents are no longer around anymore). Sorry, but festivities tend to make me think of such morbid stuff coz the relatives get fewer and fewer and I am forced to see the reality that my parents will not be there for me forever. This also makes me wake up a little and treasure them a lot more.

Well, other than having a happy CNY, the most important thing is to have good health, everyone. This is another area that I want to focus on for this new year. It is tres important as it allows me to do a lot more things more efficiently.

Re-discovering stamps and sending snail mail

I just sent out a parcel last Thursday. It gave me the funniest, tingly,warm, fuzzy, feeling ever, that I have not felt for the longest time. I used to send parcels and such, but that was a long time ago.

I must say, I was even nervous when I was sending it. I was not quite sure how I should place the stamps and what I should do. It did not make it any easier that the post office was going to close in about less than half an hour. There just simply was not enough space to put all the stamps. I suppose it was partly my fault and that of the customer service officer. Hee, we got carried away with the different designs of the stamps.

When she found out that I liked different stamps and that I knew a little about the different series (I was just pointing out the limited edition festive series of stamps) and she was so nice to decide to give me a whole melange of stamps to send to my dear friend in a far away land.

I suppose it is not what everyone would do in this day and age of digital world but I think sending and receiving a parcel is such a traditional and yet simple way of cheering oneself and the receiver. I don't know about you, but I would be cheered up no end :) In fact nowadays, receiving a letter cheers me up no end already.

The only funny thing is how they try to persuade you into paying for your mail to be registered. Another customer service officer (not the one who sold me stamps) told me that if I were to go by regular mail, then it would be impossible to trace if the parcel got lost. Slowly thinking back, I think this is a little like a slap on their own faces by indirectly telling me that there is no guarantee of good, efficient and reliant service as our parcels may get lost.

Besides, if I really wanted a guaranteed, registered mail, I would have just gone to DHL, FedEx or the likes. I would not have wasted time queueing up to buy stamps.

Anyway, I suppose this is their way of up-selling, just like how in the hotel industry (as I have learned in my course before) that you try to up-sell by suggesting similar but higher priced products.

Well, I am off to write those Christmas cards and sending them off soon! So that hopefully, I can receive some of that Christmas cheer in the mail.

Being supportive (altnernative title: Doubts)

Last night, one of my good friends finally tied the knot. Actually, she and hubby had already registered for marriage some years back, but in the traditional Chinese eyes, one is not really married until they have had a banquet. This is usually a Chinese dinner at a restaurant or hotel ballroom.


As usual, the question about jobs turned up and I started talking to another close friend (let's name her K) about it. I was telling her how my Dad had sold the car and stuff like that simply because he feels that it is too much for him to upkeep. She then said that I could have taken over the payment of the car installments and I told her that with my current salary, I can hardly pay for myself.

I really do think that my professional is really hard to sustain as one would need like 200% of passion in order to continue. I think I still have it but it is just discouraging when my own Dad does not even feel supportive of what I do. Now, can I blame the government, the market out there or myself for choosing this profession? I suppose it is everything rolled into one.

It is a little of the government's 'fault' for taking so long to up the status of my present profession and it is a case of  "too little, too late".  It is the local market's fault as my profession did not need degree holders to do the job before (they still don't but they make the diploma real tough that one would have thought one was taking a PhD). It is also my fault for feeling so comfortable where I am working now that I do not feel like stepping out to look for the same job but with higher paying bosses.

Then of course, K said something that also discouraged me a little: She said that "I don't know, I think it is important to have a good-paying job".

Well, I suppose from her point of view it is true for what she goes for is quite different to what I go for, plus she does have a family to support.

I would very much like to say that I totally love my pay and my job and that I do not have any doubts about changing professions but that would be very fake of me. I do have my doubts and worries as my parents ARE getting older and I must have more savings. What I can say now though, is that I still have got enough passion to continue with my profession but I am not eliminating the possibility of changing professions in the near future.

Yes, I know, my market value, be it as a life partner or in the workforce, has now de-valued with age, but I think one thing that my present profession has taught me is to be contented with many things and not ask for too much :) That means, I am not in panic mode yet. Haha!

From a spiritual point of view

Sometimes, when I feel that I am at a very low point in my life, God appears before me through His words and the little things that happen around me.

I was still very upset about yesterday and was feeling really low. It is the first time our friendship was put to the test like that and I was still hurt by what my friend had said. I prayed about it all the way while walking to church and it turned out that today's readings and sermon was about forgiveness. Father John told us that we had to "learn to forgive". How apt. How simple and yet how deep. It is not an easy thing to do, forgiveness. But yet, when we do it, it is "to celebrate freedom". I felt a big stone being lifted as I hear all this.

Moreover, there were lots unexplainable things that made me reflect a lot today. Perhaps that is why it is called "Reflection" on the church bulletin. The first line read:" People hurt us by their actions and we react by deciding to hurt them in return." Kinda made me think about my ex-housemate and friend that I fell out with. I did not do anything to hurt her in return and, from my point of view, I did really do anything to hurt her in the first place. Knowing her though, she would have, by now, painted a bad picture of me (to herself and other people) so that she can justify why our friendship turned sour. I may be wrong though, I may be wrong.

God is trying to tell me something; He is perhaps telling me to move on with life. This I should do. Plus as I was praying to Him, I drew parallelism to the fact that Jesus was always going against the flow and having to fend for Himself. I was somewhat like that yesterday. I was (metaphorically) cornered and I was not given a choice to even explain myself. My views and words were all pushed aside. It was horrible. Jesus must have felt very helpless too, when He could not save Himself from inevitable death at that time.

I am still reflecting and these reflections are purely my own thoughts. I guess what I wanted to say is that "God is so good to me. He gives me comfort when I most needed it".

Weird day

I had quite a weird day today. It started good. The friend and I went to eat at this Thai place that we both liked and we went to my God Bro's exhibition. We went around aimlesslessly and museum hopped a little (except that we did not go in coz we had to pay). We even went to visit a Catholic Church and I explained to the friend about the rosary.

Then we went to have coffee at this coffee shop and I said something wrong and the friend got very upset. The friend 'cornered' me (in a metaphorical manner) and the friend raised voice at me and I was so upset I cried. I wanted to up and go for I felt that the friend was being unreasonable and did not allow me to have my say. The friend also said some hurtful but somewhat true things.

You know, I hate this. I think in life, everybody's purpose is to make other people believe in their own views and make others agree with them while making them ditching their own. Sometimes, I find it such a struggle to get heard. Or maybe, I did get heard. Just that I am not hearing.

Plus I feel that my whole life is a whole life full of explanations to others on why I am imperfect and why I am wrong. I feel that everyone in this world is insecure. The way that they cover up their insecurity is to 'win' others, do better than others, seem to do more than others and to 'force' their own views upon others. The more they do this, the more insecure they are. Maybe I am generalising. Maybe I am not.

Such is the world I see. Such is what I have derived upon after our ARGUMENT. Our first. I cannot believe that I sat there and accepted all that nonsense, but I did.

Actually, I have long had the idea about "insecurity" but today, I was so cornered and felt so belittled (in my own way, you can call it self-pity if you want) that I had to pen it down. I am a mess inside now. The friend has opened a can of worms. The friend has forced me to look inside myself and made me feel very lousy. It is not entirely my friend's fault though for I have stereotyped the friend and thus the anger that arose.

We both apologised and I managed to humanely sit down and talk through the whole issue all over in a slightly calm manner. I came home, with my insides still all mangled up, as if I have met with a very bad accident. I think you can see from my erratic writing and thoughts.

I would need time to lick my egoistical wounds, I suppose. Writing this down helps.

Updates of my life

I am so busy nowadays, juggling work, final exams for my studies and preparing for my trip to Europe, that I hardly have time to blog.

I am also busy trying to look for alternatives to the things I use on a daily basis. Things like facial cleansers, make-up, make-up removers and body wash, etc. Other than the Neutrogena facial wash and the waxing strips, I have found a Japanese brand of make-up remover called "Cleansing Express". It works pretty well and so far so good for my skin. No funny red patches yet.

I have also found the drugstore brand of make-up called Kate that is very good! They are actually by the makers of Kanebo make-up but they are selling it at more affordable prices at drugstores, giving customers more value for money. The Face Shop is also my 'good friend' now.

Just today, I was going to buy some long sleeved cotton t-shirts for my trip (to keep myself warmer and for layering purposes). I first went to GAP as I had bought a very nice cotton tee that was lightweight and yet, served its purpose in keeping me warm. The damage would be $39.90. I decided to drop by at Uniqlo at ION. They had a much thicker long sleeved cotton tee going for $14.90! Grabbed it! Plus it was premium cotton, very good to the touch.

I suppose now it is more of learning how to shop smart and I am also learning that drugstore (i.e. cheaper stuff) stuff does not necessarily mean bad news. It is sometimes better than the expensive stuff.

Well, going to bed now, for I need to get to work by 7 am tomorrow. Night everyone!

First day back at work

Hmm...it was not exactly a smooth start to the day on my first day back at work. The gossip mongers were trying to see how many pox and scars I had, probably so that they could discuss about the 'seriousness' of it later, out of my ear shot.

Luckily I had purposely left some scars for them to see. I also had to explain that most of the pox came out on my back and my scalp, not so much on my body. You could almost see their I-want-to-believe-you face.

Plus, there was that contradictory discussion I had with my working partner as to whether or not to take medicine to stop the growth of the pox. As said in earlier postings, I actually do not advocate suppressing or even stopping the pox (through immunisation).

However, when one is sick and does not know what else to do, and when the doctor tells you that there may sometimes be complications like meningitis and/or pneumonia, and that the pox can even grow on your eyes, one better take the doc's advice and take pills or whatever.

I called it a contradictory discussion because I heard from another colleague that she (my working partner) was not too happy when she realised that I went on medical leave. Instead, today, she was advising me that I should have let all the pox out and just kept drinking cooling stuff for the system and not taken the anti-viral pills. Now, as I am typing this, I am just also wondering whether there was a pinch of sarcasm in what she said. Yes, I know. I am a little slow like that. Make that very slow, which is why I think I may never survive the corporate world. Ha!

I mean, it is one thing to give good advice, but it kind of shows your 'sincerity' as well when you jolly well know that if I let it all come out, that I will take at least 2 weeks of medical leave. Is that what she really wanted?? I doubt.

Anyhow, I gave it my all during the day, doing what I had to do as a team member. I think most times, I am doing the shit work. That said though, I am enjoying doing it because I love it and I have not much complaints about it.

Last but not least, I just want to say that NOBODY WANTS TO FALL SICK and when one is sick, one may sometimes not be able to make or receive phone calls. This is something strong and healthy people may never understand. Or maybe their time to fall very sick has not come yet. when it comes, they may fare worse than me.

Subconsciously...

My cousin had his wedding reception last Sunday. I was really looking forward to it, or so I thought I was. Maybe subconsciously, I did not want to go.

You see, this is my cousin's second wedding. His first one didn't work out. As much as I had wanted to be there to celebrate with him and his new wife, I could not. One very obvious reason is of course due to my chicken pox. The other was that I did not want awkward looks and conversations from relatives.

When my second uncle's daughter got married, they were so secretive about it and they used me as an excuse of not telling everyone. They said that they did not want to hurt my feelings. Ha!! What utter bullshit! If you don't want to tell then don't tell. Don't use me as a lousy excuse. I am happily divorced and there is no reason for me to be unhappy, unless of course they were afraid that I would jinx up their daughter's marriage.

Well, in a way, I was glad that I was not there last Sunday at my third uncle's son's wedding. Then nobody can say that I had anything to do with anything if anything happens. I was very honoured though, coz my cousin actually asked me to be receptionist. Hahaha! This is the sort of thing I liked to do. I did that for my other cousin's wedding and it was fun being the PR person.

Well, most of my cousins are all getting married now and I am happy for all of them, coz I cannot wait to be auntie to all those cute nieces and nephews! As for me, I will continue my journey in looking for a partner. No, not for marriage, but for companionship. I need to start widening my circle of friends from now.

Anyhow, I had to decline the invitation to be receptionist and I stayed at home, like any other good patient.

Need to cool that seething madness

I was seething mad. In fact, in a way, I am still seething. Spurts of smoke (imaginary, of course) can still be seen spurting out of my ears occasionally.

I called up my boss to inform her about my extension of medical leave and guess what she told me? She said that if I did not have the word "Chicken pox" on my medical certificate (MC), then only one day of official MC will be counted.

I was so stunned at that point of time, I did not know what say. Not only was she insinuating that I was lying to her, but she was also (directly or indirectly) insulting and questioning the integrity of the doctor.

As I put down the phone, the fact of the matter slowly sank in. I almost wanted to immediately blog it down but I thought I would cool down first. But I can't cool down. I do not care whether it was HR's policies or what but it was really RUDE!

The funny thing was that just a day before, one other colleague had gotten an MC for 2 days. She looked fine the day before but because she went to the polyclinic, she got the official 2 days. On the third day that she was supposed to come back to work, she had already earlier applied for leave to shift house. I am not going to say anything here but I would let you, my readers, be a little bit of Sherlock Holmes and go figure out why I am so mad.

Therefore, is it right to say that if I go and waste my time, wait at the polyclinic, then I will get my official MC for sure?? Or is it that all private doctors are quacks??? Because that is the message that she is sending me. RIDICULOUS!!

Plus the fact is, I DO have chicken pox!!! I have scars to prove it, even though it is not many simply because I was given the anti-viral pills to stop the spreading. You know, just because of some minorities who abuse the system, we people, who do not want to fall sick at all are always the victim. Maybe we are too obedient. If we talked back, then maybe, there would be some sort of reaction. Then again, we are in a very Asian society and I find that most companies and organisations work in very Asian mindsets. Talking back is a big no-no. It is almost like death sentence.

I mean who likes to pay money to the doctor every month??? Who likes to wait there for hours just to see the doctor??? Seriously, sometimes I wish Asian bosses were more empathising towards their employees, but I think that would take us 10 decades to reach that level of empathy. There is no magic; changing cultures take that long, if they ever succeed, that is.

Anyway, I went to the doc's and it showed on his face that he felt that this was all a joke too. He commented, "An MC is an MC" and smiled. The doc's word IS the law in the medical world. Well, in normal everyday life, GP terms, at least.

On the other hand...

...after all the hype at work, there is after all, my down side. I have been feeling very needy. Actually, I felt this for quite a while already and it is my one weakest point (I think) I am so needy that I nag too much to my friends and probably bore them to death and scare them away.

I am probably doing the same thing in this blog. For this blog though, I do not really care, since I want to write what I want to write. But I think I need to learn when to shut up when enough is enough.

Tomorrow is another working day and it will be for the next few Saturdays. I just pray to the good Lord that I will be able to pull through till my course practicum is over. Then it's off to the Netherlands! Woohoo!!!

The symphony of frogs

When I was little, my dad, mum and I would take evening walks after dinner. I think those were the times that I treasured most in my childhood. We would stroll round the private estate (as we call it) and would eventually come to a playground where I would go on the swing, the merry-go-round and the see-saw. I think these are stuff that are fast disappearing from the playgrounds of today.

Before we reach our destination (the playground) though, there would be this steep slope and a big drain that we will definitely have to walk by. Dad used to make it really scary but still ask me to look into the deep, deep drain and he would point out frogs to me. Sometimes I see them, sometimes I only see them. Either way, I think they were horrible things and I never understood why my Dad made me see such things. Now of course I do, as it is part of Science and such. There were also sometimes lots of snails on the roads and Dad and Mum would almost always ask me to look.

As I grew up, I moved to places called flats/apartments and I had almost no chance of seeing such sights or hearing such sounds. Tonight though, I heard the symphony of the frogs. It would have grossed me out many years back but I now feel that it is music to my ears.

You see, there are many ways to get home and one of them involves me walking through vast lands of green grass between blocks of flats. It is a piece of land that they use for setting up a stage for the Chinese seventh month or what we popularly call "getai". It had rained again in the late afternoon today, as is so for many late afternoons now. Once this happens, I say "the frogs come out to sing".

I suppose it is a phenomenon and as much as I would encounter a frog face to face, I think the crooning of the frogs gives comfort to a lonely soul walking back home after work at night. It brings back memories and the good old times and sends warm fuzzy feelings tingling all over. It made me want to bring my kids over to experience this whole...phenomenon. They are sure to ask questions and be curious, like I was many years ago.

Have your heard the frogs sing? Have you heard them sing in sync? Find your own patch of froggy land and listen in. It's free and it is beautiful.

Waffling

I was sick and resting at home today until evening time when I had to get to my classes. Serves me right for not going twice before and using up my 20% chance of absenteeism.


Anyway, I think I feel better now except that I still have a 'sexy' voice. Last night, when I came home after the doc's, Dad asked me to take care of myself and not eat rubbish when I am out and about. I told him directly that I cannot help it if I have rhinitis or that my immune system is so bad.

This leads me to the question as to why I should be in this world in the first place. I think my parents made a very selfish decision to give birth to me (I know I would probably get bashed up for saying this but this is really how I feel). Selfish in that they only gave birth to me and then letting me be responsible for them when they grow old. I do not have any other siblings to share the responsibility with. Selfish in that I am alone all the time and contrary to what everyone else is thinking, an only child is not very fun to be.

Selfish because after they have only me, they continue to live life as if they were a couple and I was an outsider looking in at their lives. Well, maybe I exaggerate or I may be overly sensitive. Maybe they just want to give me my space, but they do not realise that my social life is almost zero? Or that I am very bad with making new friends? This leads me to what I am about to say next.

Recently, I have been reading a book about the autistic spectrum disorder and was wondering if I was mildly autistic myself. I was giving myself lots of 'analysis' and excuses as I was a really quiet child at birth and my social skills are not fantastic. I seem to have a slower learning process than others.

I have also been reading up quite a bit about the Indigo Child. Well, maybe all these are terms to coin people who are different from the norm and it made some sense to me as my mum was considered mature when she gave birth to me. Hmm...yes, I like this explanation. Makes me feel a little better about myself. Hahaha!

I am waffling, I know. I am normal. Or at least, I think I am. Whatever it is, I am responsible for my own life now and will stop looking at the past or blaming it. Sounds familiar? Well, it Stephen Covey said something to that extent and we just learned about it in class.

My love life

Just got my life fortune told and it was not so good in terms of my love life. Haha! What is new? Apparently, I am not suited for marriage and if I do, there would be lots of quarrels and unhappiness. How true!

The sad part is that the person that I like is also not suited for marriage. Well, I guess the not-so-sad part would be that I can let go and not try to imagine him as my potential boyfriend.

Funny thing was that I dreamed of him as my boyfriend this afternoon while I had a nap!! We were so lovey-dovey and intimate and it was so real that I could not believe myself (in the dream of course).

Apparently, I will only get lucky after I turn 42 or so. What is the point, right? Anyway, I shall TRY to concentrate on other parts of my life that are OK and hope that life would not be so tough.

Proud of my dad, and some thoughts

I must say that I am proud of my Dad and envious of him too. He has done things that I would never dare dream of doing. He just finished a series of 2 talks with the National Library. One was at Woodlands Library and the other (that just happened yesterday) was at the Bukit Merah Library.

The first talk, which was on Chinese Oldies, saw a turnout of about 50 people. The second, 100 over. This was all thanks to his good network of friends, who themselves are also promoting Chinese Oldies, who helped him to promote his talk as well.

I think it is no mean feat to be standing in front of so many people to do a talk, but I guess it is a subject that he likes and is close to his heart and therefore, he does not have any difficulty in conducting the talk at all.

I find myself so inadequate next to him and it leads me to think back to my own same old question as to why should people be so competitive. Why should they want to outshine other people and step and trample on others while trying to prove their own self-worth? By belittling others, does that make that person a better person?

Well, I suppose such is life and sometimes (even as I sound pessimistic), I feel that I am not of this world; that I may never fit in and am always standing on the outside looking in. People have also never attempted to include me into this world. They have always seen me standing outside and left me there.

Such are my thoughts sometimes. It is a recurring thought and I suppose, I should jump away from this thought in order to shift my paradigm (Stephen Covey) and go for some change (Haha! Cliche!).